Caption Contest: Noah


Here is the winner of our Noah’s Ark caption contest! It was no easy choice but the caption that made us laugh the most was:

1. If Jerry Coyne were Noah. – samitchell79

We were all impressed with our runners up, too. Thanks for giving everyone at RDF and its readers a good laugh.

2. "I don't know. God said something about needing them for the Internet." – beckworth

3. "Look, when we first set afloat there were two. Honestly." – Emma C. Williams



Written By: RDFRS



    • In reply to #13 by beckworth:

      “If God’s so smart, why didn’t he say anything about a litter box?”

      Noah built one that floated – but that was just a crappy mistake he spotted afterwards!
      Why else would he choose to be out in the wind, rain, and in the open air for 40 days as shown?

  1. And Noah begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japheth. 
    Every son had seven wives;
    Every wife had seven sacks; 
    Every sack had seven cats;
    Every cat had seven kits.
    Kits, cats, wives and sons,
    Just how big is a cubit anyway?
  2. Noah -Yes dear “two of each” were his words, but that does not trump my god given free will. Now, did you put the woodworm where they won’t get nommed?
    Sinful, lesser being – Yip, I put them deep in the hold.
    Noah – Good, now get to the kitchen, your chain will show the way. Before this situation gets very ugly, I’ think you’d better make a BIG cheeseburger, about four cubits in diameter should do.
    Sinful, lesser being – Do you want to go large on that Sir.
    Noah – Ha-Ha, and Yahweh told me you women had not a whit of wit.
    Sinful, lesser being – I can’t find the salt, where’s the effin salt? Did you remember to bring it? Or were you perhaps too busy with the whole drunk and naked thing again?
    Noah – Wow! You just can’t let that go can you. Look! It would take just one prayer to my sky misogynist and you’d be turned into a f******g pillar of the stuff. Women, huh, can’t sail with them… If you need me I’ll be, erm, upwind.

  3. Unbeknownst to the majority of biblical scholars, an alternate version of The Book of Noah survives to this day, which is taught as gospel in remote parts of the Appalachian Mountains and Japan.

  4. “I know what God told me, dear, but frankly he’s been pissing me off lately, what with the flood n’ all, and this way my world will be much more fluffy! You did remember to bring cat food, didn’t you?”

    • In reply to #176 by Frost1944:

      When I said more pussy this isn’t what I had in mind.

      A Request to Mods: Please no more caption contests that have cats in them. Too many of your users are immature adolescents and/or think stupid Asian stereotypes are hilarious.

  5. . .. . and the Ark-Angel flew in low over the poop-deck with a message on animal selection, for Noah, but due to feline predation, it is now poop on the poop-deck. are you sure it said “More litters”? We’re running out of mice, doves, birds, dogs, and other cat food! Which way to Mount ‘ave a rat?

  6. If God could fill a boat the size of the Titanic full of cats, then why can’t he cure every disease on earth, end poverty, crime, corruption and once and for bloody all, just fucking kill Satan

  7. Soon, Noah would realize that he had misunderstood God’s instructions; and from then on, he would deeply regret that no way existed for a single species to give rise to the kind of diversity that had once graced the land.

  8. Are you quite sure we got the instructions right? Were we supposed to gather two of everything while it rains cats and dogs for 40 days or were the two of us supposed to gather 40 cats? Either way, I’m pretty sure were supposed to make this ark.

  9. .. and when he said 2 of each kind you have to understand that’s just allegorical ..
    .. now that science tells us it was actually all cats that just proves how god’s so much smarter than us .. ya’ll see?

  10. And Noah said to God- ” Of course you do realize cats don’t like the water and they’re lousy swimmers.” And God replied- ” Why the hell do you think I conned you into building this goddammed boat?”

    • Noah, you not fear to disobeying God?
    • If you think this guy is able to creating all species de novo, however can serve an arch? Moreover, according to Dawkins, there must be a minimum number of individuals to avoid future inconvenience of too low genetic diversity …
  11. And the one hanna-barbera cartoon cat said as he was kicked out of bed by all the other 13 billion hanna-barbera cartoon cats aboard the cat ark-” rassen, frassen, dirty- double dorten, borten!”
    For the less enlighten animated cartoon lover, that was an example of cartoon profanity.

  12. The Lord saw how great the wickedness of the human race had become on the earth, and that every inclination of the thoughts of the human heart was only evil all the time. 6 The Lord regretted that he had made human beings on the earth, and his heart was deeply troubled. 7 So the Lord said, “I will wipe from the face of the earth the human race I have created—and with them the animals, the birds and the creatures that move along the ground—for I regret that I have made them.” 8 But Noah found favor in the eyes of the Lord.

    “Look at what my kitty does with this string!”

  13. Being all knowing one would have imagined that god would have realised that human beings are genetically divided into two distinct and easily recognised sub-species, dog lovers and cat lovers !

  14. A theological objection: Why has Noah got long hair? The Bible clearly teaches that “If a man has long hair, it is a disgrace to him” (1Corinthians 11:14). Perhaps Jehovah sent a plague of cats to punish his disobedient servant?

  15. Thus Noah proclaimed, ” If I had a billion more cats like Clouseau, I could destroy the world.” And so god half-assed granted Noah’s wish. Noah shouldn’t have watched that Pink Panther movie the night before while drinking the holy water and then talking in his drunken stupor.

  16. Why couldn’t God just snap his fingers or wiggle his nose and just make the cat-ark magically appear? Oh, but of course, that would defeat the purpose of this totally fact-based, faith -driven, inspirational story. Silly me, I forgot. Carry on with the rest of the show.

  17. Noah’s wife shakes her head at her husband. “Just typical, Noah. God gives you simple instructions and you go and fuck it up for a bunch of pussy… but I can’t stay mad, they are adorable pussies”

  18. You know-if God had been somewhat pro-active in the first place-he would have seen the Dark Ages, The Plague, all the wars humanity would fight till the end of time, the talking deceptive snake he created… wait, that would defeat the whole purpose of the Bible and religion in general. Never mind

  19. And God so loved the world he killed every living thing in it-except for a half-dozen eight-hundred year old people and a boat full of cats to repopulate the world. If that doesn’t speak of God’s love, what does?

  20. The opening tableux of the Ken Ham Ark Experience suffers its final ignominy when the replacement animals, after the previous night of natural carnage, are finally delivered from the pound.

    • In reply to #357 by phil rimmer:

      The opening tableux of the Ken Ham Ark Experience suffers its final ignominy when the replacement animals, after the previous night of natural carnage, are finally delivered from the pound.

      after the previous night’s innevitable carnage…

  21. Unknown to most Biblical historians, Noah had built 3 arks: Into the A Ark would go all the leading, high-achieving animals: Dogs, cattle, etc. Into the B Ark would go the useless fantasy ones, such as unicorns and dragons. Then there was the C Ark…

  22. For God said unto Noah…”Noah, I will make it rain 40 day & 40 nights. Thou shalt build an Ark. Upon this Ark, thou shalt lead all animals 2 by 2…you know what, scratch that. Save the Kitteh, Noah. I love the Kitteh. In the future, we shall have funny memes with the Kitteh.”

  23. “It was a good deal, wasn’t it ? Taking us on their boat in exchange of feeding them and taking care of them as if they were gods, generation after generation.”
    “Now that you mention it, I plan to start a new religion after landing.”

  24. “…and so”, continued Shrodinger, “at the same time the cats are all alive, the cats are also all dead”. “What a ridiculously far fetched and stupid idea”, replied Noah as he single handedly loaded two of every animal on earth into his really big boat, to avoid the wrath of god….

  25. God: Noah, I told you only two of each kind! Why so many cats?
    Noah: I know God, I’ve tried to only take two but every time the flood takes them they keep coming back! Of all the creatures you could have given nine lives to, why the cats?!
    God: Ooops! My bad!

  26. And Mr. Whiskers begat Toby who begat Milo who begat Tigger who begat Oliver who begat Harley who begat Stanley. And they ruled on the deck of the ark until The Lord saw they needed more room. Then He commanded Noah to throw them overboard. And that, my friends, is how cats learned to swim.

  27. It was predestined by god that the earth became corrupted by people and that a flood would drown all the wicked, then cats would become the next dominant species on the evolutionary food chain. All hail the almighty cat-a-cism. Yoiks and away!
    See-god planned all this bull-shit from the start.

  28. Oh-lookey-lookey! I am a kiddy-kad floating out to sea along with other kiddy-kads on a floating kiddy-kad bed. I am hoping to find a personal savior called Jesurs/Christ.God/ The Lode.
    I hopes he will save me and all the other kiddy-kads like me so I can fondle him, and hold him and caress him and lick his fur and stroke his bill and hug him and squeeze him forevers and evers, amen!

  29. Then, God told to Noah: pick your favourite animals of my creation on board before I flood the earth. So Noah, helped by God’s infinite wisdom, though about what is the best for the future of the world, and decided to take only the most atheist like specie of animal on earth.

  30. Noah did give god’s commandment to take two of every animal serious consideration… But after some honest and reflective soul searching, he discovered he was really more of a cat person.

  31. “They sold their worldly possessions, barely scraping enough coin together to afford the cheapest tickets for the Catship. With nothing but the clothes on their backs and a prayer in their hearts, Bob and Linda set out for the new world, determined to make a new life for themselves.”

  32. God: “Noah… uh, what’s up with all the cats?”
    Noah: “You texted saying to make the ark 300 cats long, 50 cats wide, and 30 cats high, that’s what I did.”
    God: “I texted you cubits, not cats?!? DAMN AUTOCORRECT.”

  33. Yahweh couldn’t wait to see what Noah and his Families reaction would be when they found out that they were only experiencing the first half of what would eventually be a saying that is still used to this day.

  34. “Noah saved a pair of cats for each species on the planet because it was much nicer. When the flood passed, the cats spread out over the earth and THEN god turned them into the species we see today.”
    Kan Hem. Creation Sciencer and Museum owner.

  35. Cats on a giant floating ark based on an ancient bible fable, allegedly created by an all-powerful, invisible deadbeat dad in outer space…that’s believable. But it’s reality that’s make- believe.


    Noah:”How I wish all myths´s meaning weren´t so disputed, as Freud’s interpretations.”

    Noah´s Wife:”Are they myth-maniacs or myth bastards?”

    Noah´:”they are only myth-retarded I guess.”

  37. You can’t feed a lion grass,what ,you don’t want the carnivores to die of starvation,could be a long time before it stops raining and land could be far away.They have nine live’s so they should be real filling!

  38. “I told you to keep away these cats from the boat, now they scared all the other animals from coming!” or “Excuse me, Noah. Don’t you know that cats onboard a ship bring bad luck and disaster?”

  39. God spoke to Tom “Build an ark to save you and your brethren because, while I’m a little disappointed in my creation, I do think cats are cute… oh, and you’d better take a couple of humans to open cans and empty kitty litter.”

      • In reply to #597 by Cantaz:

        In reply to #596 by InYourFaceNewYorker:

        “If Jerry Coyne were Noah…” I don’t get it.

        If you knew him personally (JC, not Noah) you would get it.

        I don’t know him, so explain please. :)

        • In reply to #598 by InYourFaceNewYorker:

          In reply to #597 by Cantaz:

          In reply to #596 by InYourFaceNewYorker:

          “If Jerry Coyne were Noah…” I don’t get it.

          If you knew him personally (JC, not Noah) you would get it.

          I don’t know him, so explain please. :)

          He is a professor of biology and a writer (see here).

          I guess he is also a cat person, and that is likely why the RDF folks – who know him personally – found that caption irresistibly funny.

          In other words, it’s sort of an insider’s joke.

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