Wednesday, March 19, 2008 | Reason : Comedy | print version

Report: 32% Of Prayers Deflected Off Passing Satellites

by The Onion

Thanks to PaddyB for the link.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/report_32_of_prayers

Report: 32% Of Prayers Deflected Off Passing Satellites

HOUSTON—According to an official NASA report released Saturday, nearly 32 percent of all prayers exiting Earth are deflected off satellites orbiting the planet—ultimately preventing the discharged requests for divine intervention from ever making it to the Gates of Heaven. "After impact with the satellite, these diverted prayers typically plummet back into the atmosphere, where they either burn up or eventually land, unanswered, in a body of water," the report read in part. "Of the remaining prayers, research confirms 64 percent fail to make it past the stratosphere because they aren't prayed hard enough, 94 percent of those with enough momentum are swallowed by a supermassive black hole at the center of the Milky Way galaxy, and 43 percent are eaten by birds." The report concluded that, of the 170 billion prayers issued last month, one made it to God, whose reply was intercepted by a hurricane and incorrectly delivered to a Nigerian man who reportedly did not know what to do with his brand-new Bowflex machine.

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1. Comment #146830 by thescjackel23 on March 19, 2008 at 1:18 pm

hahaha holy lol thats hilarious

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2. Comment #146833 by epeeist on March 19, 2008 at 1:22 pm

Could anyone who has access to theist sites of a fundamentalist nature please post this article there.

I see this as a valuable sociological experiment.

Just waiting for wooter to start posting tomorrow...

Other Comments by epeeist

3. Comment #146895 by morgantj on March 19, 2008 at 2:24 pm

Absolutely beautiful.

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4. Comment #146924 by crazy~horse on March 19, 2008 at 2:56 pm

so that's what happened to my bowflex! ;p

i do love the onion!

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5. Comment #146938 by zoomlines on March 19, 2008 at 3:07 pm

What's a bowflex?

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6. Comment #146974 by flobear on March 19, 2008 at 3:45 pm

Man that's funny.

zoomlines: a bowflex is an all-in-one gym that lots of people buy but no one uses.

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7. Comment #146977 by crazy~horse on March 19, 2008 at 3:49 pm

hey, we would use it if god could be bothered to deliver it to the right address! lol

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8. Comment #147004 by stereoroid on March 19, 2008 at 4:46 pm

I wondered if this was some kind of Arthur C Clarke reference... but geosynchronous satellites don't "pass", they appear to be stationary overhead. 8)

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9. Comment #147011 by Big T on March 19, 2008 at 4:58 pm

So there's almost no chance (well, maybe one in 170 million) that any prayer I utter will reach the ear of God. Dear me, how very discouraging. No wonder I quit praying years ago.

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10. Comment #147049 by Koreman on March 19, 2008 at 5:50 pm

C:> ping god
no route to host
destination unreachable
C:> ipconfig /flushdns
succesfully flushed the DNS resolver cache
C:> ping God
no route to host
destination unreachable
C:> ipconfig /flushlogic
Succesfully flushed the logic resolver cache.
C:> ping God
Pinging God (256.256.256.256) with 777 bytes of data:
Reply from 256.256.256.256: bytes=777 time=0ms TTL=ETERNAL
Reply from 256.256.256.256: bytes=777 time=0ms TTL=ETERNAL
Reply from 256.256.256.256: bytes=777 time=0ms TTL=ETERNAL
Reply from 256.256.256.256: bytes=777 time=0ms TTL=ETERNAL
C:> net send God Iluvyou!
Sending files to God is no longer supported.
C:> tracert God [127.0.0.1]
Tracing route to God over a maximum of 0 hobs:
1 15 ms <10 ms <10 ms god.brain [0.0.0.256]
2 0 ms <10 ms <10 ms fantasy.brain [256.256.256.256]
Trace complete.
C:>help?
'help?' is not recognized as an internal or external command, operable program, batch file or something spooky. Get real.
C:>format brain: /u /s

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11. Comment #147056 by the_ultimate_samurai on March 19, 2008 at 6:05 pm

haha 256.256.256.256 ^_^

I wondered if this was some kind of Arthur C Clarke reference... but geosynchronous satellites don't "pass", they appear to be stationary overhead. 8)

not quite true, thats a geostationary orbit, a geosynchronous orbit returns to the same spot once per solar day but will change latitude/longitude in orbit.
a geostationary orbit, like communication satilites use..the so-called clark orbit, will remain stable over one place, though a geostationary orbit IS a geosynchronous orbit, a geosynchronous orbit is NOT NECESSARILY a geostationary orbit (like a square is a rectangle but a rectangle may not be a square.)

that being said, this was a very funny article.

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12. Comment #147058 by Double Bass Atheist on March 19, 2008 at 6:07 pm

Koreman -
Nice post! Very clever... although one would have to be a geek like us to really appreciate this.
The unconditional brain format at the end was the best!
:-D

As to the article, about all I can say is... The Onion does it again!

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13. Comment #147059 by Frankus1122 on March 19, 2008 at 6:10 pm

So there's almost no chance (well, maybe one in 170 million) that any prayer I utter will reach the ear of God.

Only if you are one of the first 3 or 4 for that day.

I posted this link before because I find it very funny so I will do it again:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UaZDcS-rMf4

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14. Comment #147063 by steveroot on March 19, 2008 at 6:20 pm

I sent this to Josh today, but as the connection seems to be intermittent and as we're talking about The Onion here...
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/shroud_of_turin_accidentally
Holy Spin Cycle!
Ste5e

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15. Comment #147082 by bluebird on March 19, 2008 at 7:00 pm

They shoot, they score!!

These two Onion bits are a great nightcap, thanks :))

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16. Comment #147339 by konquererz on March 20, 2008 at 7:29 am

This explains allot! Thats why real prayers and miracles, like say regrowing a limb, don't get answered. They are obviously bigger and have a greater chance of hitting a satellite on exit. Thus god just doesn't get those! Wow, I'm converting now that I understand! :)

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17. Comment #147347 by Ygern on March 20, 2008 at 7:46 am

Aaah!

That explains the headline story in today's Irish Examiner 'Losing our Religion'
http://www.examiner.ie/irishexaminer/pages/story.aspx-qqqg=ireland-qqqm=ireland-qqqa=ireland-qqqid=58289-qqqx=1.asp

It all becomes clear suddenly :-)

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18. Comment #147366 by Tyler Durden on March 20, 2008 at 8:22 am

Comment #147347 by Ygern

From that Examiner article:

"The most dramatic difference, however, is in the numbers attending mass or other religious service on a weekly basis. In 1981, the figure was 82%; in 1990, it was 81%; in 1999, it fell substantially to 59%; and in today's survey it has fallen again to a mere 45%."

45%?? Wow!

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19. Comment #147405 by Ygern on March 20, 2008 at 9:52 am

Well, most people have better things to do with their time, I'm thinking.

Superstition is essentially all that remains of Catholicism in Ireland, but it had such a stranglehold on every aspect of society until relatively recently that many of them are still testing out the brave idea that you won't get zapped by a wrathful god if you lie in bed on a Sunday morning.

It's only with Ireland's very recent 'Celtic Tiger' economic boom that people are beginning to shake off the ties that bind. Religion is after all the friend of poverty. Now that many are enjoying a modest to affluent lifestyle, there is no longer an emotional need for a Celestial Being that will reward you for your suffering.

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20. Comment #147410 by Tyler Durden on March 20, 2008 at 10:06 am

GAA Archbishop defends church appeal to curb Sunday sports

http://www.independent.ie/national-news/gaa-archbishop-defends-church-appeal-to-curb-sunday-sports-1315046.html

"The GAA's Honorary Patron, Archbishop Dermot Clifford of Cashel and Emly, has robustly parried a suggestion that the Catholic bishops scored "an own goal" in urging young people to pray and not play sports on Sunday mornings."

Are these clowns actually living in the real world? Seriously? It's not the 1950s, get over it.

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21. Comment #147413 by Ygern on March 20, 2008 at 10:26 am

Quite.

Although, you have to understand that for many of the remaining Catholic clergy, the post-boom Ireland is a bit of a culture-shock. Where 25 years ago they would have wielded considerable power and influence, today they are ignored or despised - Ireland has a particularly shameful history of all kinds of abuse. Some of them (like the Archbishop here) clearly can't quite believe it yet.

And I suspect it also has something to do with the pique that some priests feel knowing that on Easter Sunday, like on Christmas Day, the pews will be filled. But no-one goes during Lent. Its wanton displays of wishy-washy faithlessness of this that make a grown priest cry. They are trying to let the people know that Churches are for Life, not just for Christmas. No wait, wasn't that puppies?

Nevermind. Probably at least 7 Irish children were forced to go to church last weekend because of it.

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22. Comment #147479 by Big T on March 20, 2008 at 3:05 pm

Frankus 1122: That YouTube bit about messaging Mr. Deity is hilarious. Thanks for recommending it. And, shucks, I should have checked the article again before I posted. My odds are not one in 170 million but one in 170 billion! Now that's discouraging!

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23. Comment #176119 by LiseYates on May 6, 2008 at 3:40 pm