Tuesday, July 8, 2008 | Reason : Wingnut News | print version

IT'S A GODDAMNED CRACKER!

by PZ Myers, Pharyngula

UPDATE: Jesus and Mo chime in

Reposted from:
http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/2008/07/its_a_goddamned_cracker.php#more

There are days when it is agony to read the news, because people are so goddamned stupid. Petty and stupid. Hateful and stupid. Just plain stupid. And nothing makes them stupider than religion.

Here's a story that will destroy your hopes for a reasonable humanity.

Webster Cook says he smuggled a Eucharist, a small bread wafer that to Catholics symbolic of the Body of Christ after a priest blesses it, out of mass, didn't eat it as he was supposed to do, but instead walked with it.

This isn't the stupid part yet. He walked off with a cracker that was put in his mouth, and people in the church fought with him to get it back. It is just a cracker!

Catholics worldwide became furious.

Would you believe this isn't hyperbole? People around the world are actually extremely angry about this — Webster Cook has been sent death threats over his cracker. Those are just kooks, you might say, but here is the considered, measured response of the local diocese:

"We don't know 100% what Mr. Cooks motivation was," said Susan Fani a spokesperson with the local Catholic diocese. "However, if anything were to qualify as a hate crime, to us this seems like this might be it."

We just expect the University to take this seriously," she added "To send a message to not just Mr. Cook but the whole community that this kind of really complete sacrilege will not be tolerated."

Wait, what? Holding a cracker hostage is now a hate crime? The murder of Matthew Shephard was a hate crime. The murder of James Byrd Jr. was a hate crime. This is a goddamned cracker. Can you possibly diminish the abuse of real human beings any further?

Well, you could have a priest compare this event to a kidnapping.

"It is hurtful," said Father Migeul Gonzalez with the Diocese. "Imagine if they kidnapped somebody and you make a plea for that individual to please return that loved one to the family."

Gonzalez said the Diocese is willing to meet with Cook and help him understand the importance of the Eucharist in hopes of him returning it. The Diocese is dispatching a nun to UCF's campus to oversee the next mass, protect the Eucharist and in hopes Cook will return it.

I like the idea of sending a scary nun to guard the ceremony at the next mass. But even better�let's send Webster Cook to hell!

Gonzalez said intentionally abusing the Eucharist is classified as a mortal sin in the Catholic church, the most severe possible. If it's not returned, the community of faith will have to ask for forgiveness.

"We have to make acts of reparation," Gonzalez said. "The whole community is going to turn to prayer. We'll ask the Lord for pardon, forgiveness, peace, not only for the whole community affected by it, but also for [Cook], we offer prayers for him as well."

Get some perspective, man. IT'S A CRACKER.

And of course, Bill Donohue is outraged (I know, Donohue is going to die of apoplexy someday when a gnat violates his oatmeal, so this isn't saying much).

For a student to disrupt Mass by taking the Body of Christ hostage--regardless of the alleged nature of his grievance--is beyond hate speech. That is why the UCF administration needs to act swiftly and decisively in seeing that justice is done. All options should be on the table, including expulsion.

Oh, beyond hate speech. Where does this fit on the Shoah scale, Bill? It shouldn't even register, but here is Wild-Eyed Bill the Offended calling for the expulsion of a student�for not swallowing a cracker.

Would you believe that the mealy-mouthed president of the university, John Hitt, is avoiding defending his student is instead playing up the importance of the Catholic church to the university? Of course you would. That's what university presidents do. Bugger the students, keep the donors and the state reps happy.

Unfortunately, Webster Cook has now returned the cracker. Why?

Webster just wants all of this to go away. Especially now that he feels his life is in danger.

That's right. Crazy Christian fanatics right here in our own country have been threatening to kill a young man over a cracker. This is insane. These people are demented fuckwits. And Cook is not out of the fire yet — that Fox News story ends with an open incitement to cause him further misery.

University officials said, that as for right now, Webster Cook is not in trouble. If anyone or any group wants to file a formal complaint with the University through the student judicial system, they can. If that happens, Webster will go through a hearing either in front of an administrative panel or a panel of his peers.

Got that? If you don't like what Webster Cook did, all you have to do is complain to the university, and they will do the dirty work for you of making his college experience miserable. And don't assume the university would support Cook; the college is now having armed university police officers standing guard during mass.

I find this all utterly unbelievable. It's like Dark Age superstition and malice, all thriving with the endorsement of secular institutions here in 21st century America. It is a culture of deluded lunatics calling the shots and making human beings dance to their mythical bunkum.

So, what to do. I have an idea. Can anyone out there score me some consecrated communion wafers? There's no way I can personally get them — my local churches have stakes prepared for me, I'm sure — but if any of you would be willing to do what it takes to get me some, or even one, and mail it to me, I'll show you sacrilege, gladly, and with much fanfare. I won't be tempted to hold it hostage (no, not even if I have a choice between returning the Eucharist and watching Bill Donohue kick the pope in the balls, which would apparently be a more humane act than desecrating a goddamned cracker), but will instead treat it with profound disrespect and heinous cracker abuse, all photographed and presented here on the web. I shall do so joyfully and with laughter in my heart. If you can smuggle some out from under the armed guards and grim nuns hovering over your local communion ceremony, just write to me and I'll send you my home address.

Just wait. Now there'll be a team of Jesuits assigned to rifle through my mail every day.

Add to del.icio.us Posted: Tuesday, July 8, 2008 | Permalink

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1. Comment #206856 by kraut on July 8, 2008 at 10:38 pm

Get some perspective, man. IT'S A CRACKER.

no PZ, ones the priest speaks the magic words consecrating it - it magically transforms into the body of christ, for christsakes.

I guess, magic is something you heathens just don't get...

Other Comments by kraut

2. Comment #206857 by EarthChild on July 8, 2008 at 10:42 pm

We really should not poke fun at these people...... I know its only a cracker but imagine how I would feel if a Holy Noodle was removed from the temple of the FSM ?????

Sorry Irate .... FUCKTARDS !!!! and call me Polly.

Other Comments by EarthChild

3. Comment #206859 by 8teist on July 8, 2008 at 10:46 pm

Call the FBI the priest said that the wafer had been kidnapped .

FOR dogs sake keep the teensy weensy wafer away from Mr Creosote.....................

Step away from the wafer.

Other Comments by 8teist

4. Comment #206862 by adk on July 8, 2008 at 10:51 pm

This is hilarious. Reminds me of this line from 'The Important of Being Earnest' :

Jack: Do you mean to say you have had my cigarette case all this time? I wish to goodness you had let me know. I have been writing frantic letters to Scotland Yard about it. I was very nearly offering a large reward.

Other Comments by adk

5. Comment #206863 by Dr Doctor on July 8, 2008 at 10:56 pm

I think the Roman Catholic has every right to be disgusted that the cracker isn't passing out of Websters' backside and into sewers. It is blasphemy, and *he* entered the church which makes it an invasion as well as an act of provocation.

It isn't as if it is some mere Pringle, Disco, Walkers or Cheesey Wotsit potato-chip here. This is the body of Christ (well, one of them). What next, a rinse and spit of the Blood Of Christ?

Webster Cook should go to hell, and burn to a crisp.

Hows about that for Christian forgiveness?

Other Comments by Dr Doctor

6. Comment #206864 by Brian English on July 8, 2008 at 10:58 pm

The doctrine of transubstantiation is bizzare.
It comes, I think, from the old Aristotelean idea that the substance of a thing is different from the accidents (external properties). So, the cracker may have the accidental properties of being a yeast free cracker, but because the priest has cast his spell, its substance is now the body and blood (which are inseparable after resurrection and if you don't like it, you're a heretic and the Pope will persecute you!) of Christ.
Basically, it can be tested in a lab, and will seem to have all the properties of a cracker, but really, it's Jesus' body and blood. So, eating it will be an act of cannibalism. Which shows how weird some of the doctrines of the Catholic church are, and also how philosophy can really get weird when misused in the name of dogma, instead of being applied to find truth. If a thing isn't defined by its properties, then how can you know what it is anyway? If the cracker really was Jeebus' body and blood how would you know when it has the physical properties of a cracker?
Madness.

Other Comments by Brian English

7. Comment #206866 by Dr Doctor on July 8, 2008 at 11:00 pm

So Priests are like wizards?

Looks to me like Martin Luther had a point.

Other Comments by Dr Doctor

8. Comment #206867 by Brian English on July 8, 2008 at 11:01 pm

Luther had a few points, that the church was a bunch of idolatrous crap. However, he wasn't exactly a shining example of enlightenment and brotherly lover either.....

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9. Comment #206869 by clodhopper on July 8, 2008 at 11:06 pm

But....but...it was a Jebus Cream Cracker

Other Comments by clodhopper

10. Comment #206870 by Dr Doctor on July 8, 2008 at 11:07 pm

Well the guy should thank his lucky rabbits foot that he wasn't killed like Rowland Taylor was.

Other Comments by Dr Doctor

11. Comment #206871 by Brian English on July 8, 2008 at 11:07 pm

Well, if an ordinary cracker is the blood and body of Jeebus. What's the extra ingredient of a Jeebus cream cracker? The coming of the Lord?

Other Comments by Brian English

12. Comment #206872 by black wolf on July 8, 2008 at 11:16 pm

'No, your honor, our exorcism didn't kill that man. We just transformed his soul into something else. His death was caused by purely natural malnutrition and injury. We are innocent.'

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13. Comment #206873 by EarthChild on July 8, 2008 at 11:19 pm

Brian:
Well, if an ordinary cracker is the blood and body of Jeebus. What's the extra ingredient of a Jeebus cream cracker? The coming of the Lord?

Actually the second cumming ....................

Other Comments by EarthChild

14. Comment #206876 by mordacious1 on July 8, 2008 at 11:32 pm

I'd rather make off with a couple of liters of the sacrificial wine.

Maybe PZ can get an altar boy to do the deed. I hear they'll do anything for money.

Other Comments by mordacious1

15. Comment #206877 by mordacious1 on July 8, 2008 at 11:38 pm

HOLY CRACKERS Batman, they've stolen the body of christ.

To the batmobile Robin, we've got to get jesus back to Gotham City.

Erm, well Batman, I had a little problem with a priest when I was younger...do you think you could get Alfred to help you with this one?

So that's why father O'Malley named you "the boy wonder".

Other Comments by mordacious1

16. Comment #206881 by Philip1978 on July 8, 2008 at 11:51 pm

These people are insane, just dribblingly, marks & spencer white y front underpants on head pencils up their nose bonkers.

Most people would be outraged by the symbolism of cannibalism being shown in eating the body of Jebus, but noooooooooooo its religion, so its somehow ok!

Now they have armed guards there? WTF???

Don't get me started on Bill Donohue...

Philip

Other Comments by Philip1978

17. Comment #206885 by Dr Doctor on July 9, 2008 at 12:01 am

The religious lobby is demonstrating in no uncertain terms that hysterical over-reactions are an effective defensive shield.

Other Comments by Dr Doctor

18. Comment #206886 by King of NH on July 9, 2008 at 12:01 am

The wafers are nasty, too... Like cardboard. Yuk!

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19. Comment #206888 by clodhopper on July 9, 2008 at 12:12 am

I mean....does it have to be a wafter or a cracker or a loaf of unlevened bread? Could they intone the magic words over say, my bike - and turn that into the body of christ. How would they know if that worked or not? Would the bike handle differently?

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20. Comment #206892 by Apemanblues on July 9, 2008 at 12:21 am

It's the Catholics fault for not using Jaffa Cakes.

Nobody could resist eating them.

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21. Comment #206893 by Philip1978 on July 9, 2008 at 12:22 am

I got this from the article http://www.wftv.com/news/16806050/detail.html

"We've been praying about that," she said.
(Carol Brinati with the Diocese of Orlando)t

So right, with this praying, did God at ANY point start hurling the lightning or do ANYTHING to get what supposedly is his son back?

Do these people not think at all? If that really was the Body of Christ, God would have smote Cook's arse before he got the sodding wafer back to his room!

GIVETH ME MINE SON BACK! KAAAAAAAAAAAABOOOOOOOOMMM!

End of story

But no, the ones who want it back are getting frantic that it is THEM God is going to punish unless the perform the right ceremony to sort it all out??

Gonzalez said intentionally abusing the Eucharist is classified as a mortal sin in the Catholic church, the most severe possible. If it's not returned, the community of faith will have to ask for forgiveness.

"We have to make acts of reparation," Gonzalez said. "The whole community is going to turn to prayer. We'll ask the Lord for pardon, forgiveness, peace, not only for the whole community affected by it, but also for [Cook], we offer prayers for him as well."

Catholicism is a religion of FEAR, they are utterly nasty to themselves, they really are - the more "hurt" they feel the more appropriate it seems, why? Are they sadomasochists as well as into ritualised cannibalism?

Nutters

Philip

Other Comments by Philip1978

22. Comment #206895 by John Desclin on July 9, 2008 at 12:25 am

This is unbelievable!
What has become of America?

Other Comments by John Desclin

23. Comment #206896 by Ansu on July 9, 2008 at 12:26 am

Well..
a) technically, it IS kiddnapping. See my diagram:

1)Kidnapping is seizing a person against it will
2)crakers have no will
3)he took the craker agaisnt its will ( no will means it couldnt have cooperated)
4)The craker is the body of christ
5)he took christ agaisnt its will.

ergo

6)he kidnapped Christ.

BUT

7) hadnt he kiddnapped it, it would had been eated
8) being eated means , normally, death
9) he who saves a you from been eated saves your life from death
10) he saved jesus.
11) jesus saves

ergo

12) he is jesus

See, theres no problem!
Bad logic rules.

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24. Comment #206897 by scottishgeologist on July 9, 2008 at 12:31 am

Hah! Reminds me of the joke about the guy being taken round an asylum on a visit - Sees a guy with his dick in between two Ritz biscuits. Asks "Whats he up to?" Answer "Ignore him he's f*cking crackers!"

And here we have, in this bizarre story an example of truth being stranger than fiction....

:-)
SG

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25. Comment #206898 by mordacious1 on July 9, 2008 at 12:33 am

When I was a kid, they put the wafer right in your mouth. I understand that they changed that to putting it in your hand, then you place it in your mouth. I'm sure there will be copycats doing this now that it is on the web. All you have to do is attend the mass long enough to receive the wafer, then bolt. No hefty nun would stop me as I took off, either.

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26. Comment #206901 by clodhopper on July 9, 2008 at 12:41 am

SG: Hah! Creamed Crackers!

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27. Comment #206902 by riki on July 9, 2008 at 12:42 am

Stealing the flesh of Christ. I'm surprised God didn't zap the Universe and revoke redemption.

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28. Comment #206904 by Uhtred on July 9, 2008 at 12:53 am

I hope Sylvester Stallone is aware of this 'cause it would be a great script idea for the next Rambo film!
The story line could run something like: The Pope convinces Rambo to come out of retirement on his dad's ranch to rescue abducted holy cracker from atheist cabal. After much death and carnage, where the abductor himself has his spine wrenched out through his mouth, the cracker is safely returned to Church. Perhaps Mel Gibson could direct it (the atheist cabal could be a largely Jewish one)?

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29. Comment #206905 by huzonfurst on July 9, 2008 at 12:57 am

Oh man, it's only five days until Sunday!

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30. Comment #206909 by SeaLife on July 9, 2008 at 1:03 am

hahahaha

If I typed out all the "ha"s that this story deserves, the internet would explode.

Other Comments by SeaLife

31. Comment #206911 by Verylee on July 9, 2008 at 1:04 am

I wonder how many of these crackers are pinched and spoiled in the places where they are made, or stolen by hungry kids (and priests) around the world.

Other Comments by Verylee

32. Comment #206913 by Slinky on July 9, 2008 at 1:10 am

They tried to force him to eat Jebus?

Canibals, disgusting :)

Other Comments by Slinky

33. Comment #206914 by V'Ger on July 9, 2008 at 1:11 am

This is hilarious.

Is there a market for these on eBay... you know - for people too lazy to attend church?

"Roll up, roll up... getcha body of Christ right here... only 15 quid a nibble".

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34. Comment #206915 by Quetzalcoatl on July 9, 2008 at 1:14 am

I've had a crazy idea. Perhaps if ten thousand crackers are blessed, therefore becoming the body of Christ, then placed together, Jesus might regenerate! This could be the second coming!

I think this needs to be tested scientifically. Who's with me?

Other Comments by Quetzalcoatl

35. Comment #206916 by clodhopper on July 9, 2008 at 1:15 am

If I remember rightly....we were told not to bite the wafer. Presumably in case we hurt Jebus but I'm not sure.

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36. Comment #206917 by HitbLade on July 9, 2008 at 1:16 am

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! WE ARE ALL DOOMED!

but i gotta tell ya, i luv PZ when he is pissed :D

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37. Comment #206918 by dlitt on July 9, 2008 at 1:18 am

If they'd put a nice chocolate cream filling between two of them I might go to church.

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38. Comment #206920 by mtg101 on July 9, 2008 at 1:23 am

Transubstantiation? That's just plain crackers...

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39. Comment #206921 by clodhopper on July 9, 2008 at 1:26 am

.....but they didn't seem to bother about poor 'ol Jebus churning around in tummy acid at all.

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40. Comment #206923 by Quetzalcoatl on July 9, 2008 at 1:28 am

Clodhopper-

but they didn't seem to bother about poor 'ol Jebus churning around in tummy acid at all

Or where he ends up afterwards.

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41. Comment #206924 by Vaal on July 9, 2008 at 1:29 am

Religion, it's a cracker!

What are they worried about, as it is eating the body of Christ, in other words cannibalism, shouldn't it just be regarded as a take-away? :)

Perhaps McDonald's could start a trade in it for the credulous. Christ and chips please, with extra mayonnaise. Hold on the wine.

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42. Comment #206926 by Notcrowingbutyawning on July 9, 2008 at 1:34 am

Comment #206924 by Vaal

I got all the way to the bottom of the page ready to be the first in with the Frank Carson gag and Vaal beat me to it. :O(

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43. Comment #206928 by infidel_michael on July 9, 2008 at 1:38 am

What about new blasphemy challenge?
"Kidnap Jesus In Your Mouth" or "Take Eucharist Hostage" challenge?

Of course, it can be done only by catholic closet-atheists, but it could be fun to have even one such incident on video.

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44. Comment #206929 by Brian English on July 9, 2008 at 1:45 am

Why only catholic closet-atheists? It's not like they ask for proof of belief when you enter a church. Just wait for communion, and follow the sheep up to receive your cracker.....

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45. Comment #206930 by clodhopper on July 9, 2008 at 1:46 am

Kentucky Fried Christ!

Transubstantiation: Buy into 1 get 2 free.

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46. Comment #206931 by clodhopper on July 9, 2008 at 1:50 am

Don't you afiests no nuffin? Soon asu take the wafer intent on evil...it transubstantiates back instantaneously into a wafer....

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47. Comment #206932 by sornord on July 9, 2008 at 1:50 am

So after you swallow the "body of Christ" do you turn Jesus into shit?

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48. Comment #206935 by blakjack on July 9, 2008 at 1:53 am

Another brilliant own goal. Arguing about women priests, sexuality, etc. Keep going Christians. You look more ridiculous every day.

Jack

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49. Comment #206938 by Dinah on July 9, 2008 at 1:57 am

I seem to remember in Bram Stoker's novel 'Dracula' they get hold of some of the 'consecrated host' (which I presume is the same thing as this cracker) to ward off the evil Count. So next time you go on a picnic in Transylvania if you put some garlic cheese in the shape of a cross on the cracker you'll be guaranteed to have no trouble at all with vampires - don't know if it'll work with midges though.

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50. Comment #206941 by clodhopper on July 9, 2008 at 2:09 am

No No No.....The essens of Jebus is absorbed directly thru the tounge and travels to the brain....turning it into mush but avoiding the semi or the full colon. Sheesh!

Other Comments by clodhopper

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