Friday, August 8, 2008 | Reason : In the News | print version

Father, son and holy toast

by Anna Pickard - Guardian Blog

Thanks to Graham Dolby for the link.

http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/food/2008/08/religion_miracle_food_jesus.html

Father, son and holy toast
Whether it performs miracles or not, what's your favourite pointless piece of kitchen tat?

There have for a long time been toasters that can burn your toast in pretty patterns; even talk of hooking them up to wifi in order to produce toast with an accurate weather forecast branded on it, but it's always been quite difficult to ensure that the faces of major religious figures are burnt onto your breakfast - doubtless due to some crazy fear of religious reprisal - and that's always seemed like a gap in the market. But now we discover it is possible after all.

And while there are an awful lot of novelty kitchen gadgets available out there, this has to count as our favourite piece of pointless tat this week. Until the next one comes along, of course. Can there be a more pointless kitchen implement in existence?

Of course, this whole JesusPan thing poses another problem from the outset. Not for the faithful who want the mark of the messiah on to their eggy bread, or for the lovers of kitch who want ... well, the same - that lot are all happy. But what about religious figures wanting to miraculously appear in food? How will they maintain their miraculous renown now anyone can make their own holy toast?

"Holy Quesidilla!" sounds like something the boy wonder might say, but it's also something that happens with, it would seem, alarming regularity, because the tradition of holy appearances in food is a longstanding one. And lucrative, to boot.

If Diana Duyser had got just one more bite into her grilled cheese sandwich, then she might have nibbled at the bottom of the Virgin Mary's chin, and a casino wouldn't have bought it 10 years later for almost $30k.

Mother Teresa was even appearing in pastries while still alive. Although the bun in question resembles a Muppetesque version of the good nun, it must have been very flattering.

And these are only the ones that get into the news. Can you swear that if you chopped open an aubergine, you would recognise the Arabic word for Allah? Or if one of a whole handful of pretzels was in the shape of a pretzelly virgin and child that you'd notice? Would you make sure to look at your shrimp tail before discarding it, in case Jesus was in there? Do you chop your tomatoes too quickly to check for messages in the seeds?

Who knows, we could all be chomping down on untold numbers of religious visitations every day without even thinking about it. Makes you think, eh?

So maybe the JesusPan isn't useless, then, because ... um ... no, I've been trying and trying, and can't logically come up with a reason why it's not useless. It is, however, our favourite pointless kitchen gadget of the week.

And it's up against some tough competition - Tim's written on the subject of pretty useless kitchen gadgets before. But, just because it's Friday, and because if there's anything more pointless than the JesusPan out there we'd like to hear it, please tell us. Is there, that you know of?

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1. Comment #226768 by mordacious1 on August 8, 2008 at 4:11 pm

The answer is simple. Quit showing up on toast and as wall shadows, and show up in person.

Other Comments by mordacious1

2. Comment #226773 by Apathy personified on August 8, 2008 at 4:32 pm

Meh.
If someone wants to EAT THE FACE OF JESUS for breakfast, that's up to them.

Other Comments by Apathy personified

3. Comment #226780 by thewhitepearl on August 8, 2008 at 4:46 pm

One time while eating animal crackers I pulled out one that was very clearly a zebra perched doggie style on an elephant. They had apparently been baked together.

It's not jesus but it was hilarious just the same.

Other Comments by thewhitepearl

4. Comment #226799 by MuNky82 on August 8, 2008 at 5:17 pm

The title reminded me of this:

http://www.xkcd.com/459/

Other Comments by MuNky82

5. Comment #226823 by chuckgoecke on August 8, 2008 at 6:28 pm

WP, sometime, I've heard, that if you get baked, that kind of thing can happen.

Other Comments by chuckgoecke

6. Comment #226825 by Apathy personified on August 8, 2008 at 6:29 pm

chuckgoecke,

I've heard, that if you get baked, that kind of thing can happen.

LOL - never thought i'd hear a joke about stoned biscuits.

Other Comments by Apathy personified

7. Comment #226827 by kkelly on August 8, 2008 at 6:34 pm

6, I can never fit in here with your peoples' humor.

Other Comments by kkelly

8. Comment #226832 by thewhitepearl on August 8, 2008 at 6:39 pm

WP, sometime, I've heard, that if you get baked, that kind of thing can happen.

Ha ha! That was funny.

kkelly,

why?

Other Comments by thewhitepearl

9. Comment #226838 by kkelly on August 8, 2008 at 6:44 pm

8, I never laugh at what you people laugh at, and when I make a joke about let's say, you having a penis forced upon your oral cavity, I get flagged as a troll.

Other Comments by kkelly

10. Comment #226841 by Apathy personified on August 8, 2008 at 6:47 pm

kkelly,
I'm you could find some of the jokes funny.

Oh, yes, that comment - i seem to remember some protests of outrage at that - i think it got marked as offensive as well as troll.

Other Comments by Apathy personified

11. Comment #226845 by kkelly on August 8, 2008 at 6:52 pm

10, Carto has made me laugh sometimes. He's really witty and his writing flows beautifully so the punchlines hit you just right.

Other Comments by kkelly

12. Comment #226852 by thewhitepearl on August 8, 2008 at 7:01 pm

you having a penis forced upon your oral cavity

Wait, what? when did that happen?

We try to keep the humour not so personally offensive unless you're an idiot.

Other Comments by thewhitepearl

13. Comment #226855 by Laurie Fraser on August 8, 2008 at 7:08 pm

kkelly - as well, there are the cultural differences. For instance, as an Australian I'm sure I will crack up about things that leave you unamused, and vice versa.

We had a rugby commentator who was a known mangler of English, as well as a serial malapropism offender. When objecting to a gay nude beach in Sydney Harbour once, he wrote "I'm sick and tired of having male genitalia shoved down my throat."

Now THAT'S funny.

Other Comments by Laurie Fraser

14. Comment #226858 by chuckgoecke on August 8, 2008 at 7:12 pm

Sorry kkelly, I guess I was being offensive, suggesting the getting "baked" causes inter-species sex ... in crackers.

maybe, we should just leave the crackers alone.

Other Comments by chuckgoecke

15. Comment #226859 by NewEnglandBob on August 8, 2008 at 7:13 pm

I prefer my religious icons half-baked, otherwise they seem dried out.

Wait - maybe something could be used as a sauce....

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16. Comment #226860 by kkelly on August 8, 2008 at 7:13 pm

14, No, I didn't think it was offensive AT ALL, which is part of the problem.

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17. Comment #226863 by Apathy personified on August 8, 2008 at 7:17 pm

kkelly,
Carto does have a wonderful way with words (hmm, alliteration)
whitepearl is right, we try to keep humour not so personal - in the case of the comment you mentioned most people didn't see the original thread you were quoting from, so thought you were just being offensive.

Laurie,
Haha

Other Comments by Apathy personified

18. Comment #226864 by mordacious1 on August 8, 2008 at 7:17 pm

TWP

"...unless you're an idiot."

Well, there you have it.

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19. Comment #226868 by Don_Quix on August 8, 2008 at 7:24 pm

You better hope Bill Donahue doesn't hear about his.

Other Comments by Don_Quix

20. Comment #226877 by ghuckin on August 8, 2008 at 8:01 pm

I've just gotta get me one of those things! I wonder if they also do one with the face of Moh...... no, maybe not.

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21. Comment #226881 by chuckgoecke on August 8, 2008 at 8:23 pm

Ghuckin, maybe if you buy enough boxes of animal crackers, you'll find one with a camel being mounted by...no I can't say it. (Although a camel, with its even number hooves, is not an unclean animal, i believe). I guess if said cracker were to be clandestinely consecrated by a priest, Oh, the inter-dimensional ecumaniacal consternation it would cause!

Other Comments by chuckgoecke

22. Comment #226886 by Dhamma on August 8, 2008 at 8:43 pm

I can't make up my mind about Kelly.

In one way he's way too personal and occasionally a real ass, but at the same time he's genuinely intelligent and I envy his self-esteem, as he really says what he feels and stands for his opinions.

I read his posts, as they have some substance occasionally, but I don't accept when he's too damn disrespectful to others.

Other Comments by Dhamma

23. Comment #226888 by Laurie Fraser on August 8, 2008 at 8:45 pm

Ah, Dhamma, you're such a gentleman!

Other Comments by Laurie Fraser

24. Comment #226890 by Quine on August 8, 2008 at 8:51 pm

Does this pan violate the Millennium Copyright Act when used? Does the heat level matter? I guess, if you can't manage transubstantiation, transmogrification will have to do.

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25. Comment #226893 by Laurie Fraser on August 8, 2008 at 8:57 pm

Comment #226890 by Quine

So droll, Quine.

Other Comments by Laurie Fraser

26. Comment #226896 by mordacious1 on August 8, 2008 at 9:12 pm

Laurie

I guess twp has a headache, it's not a Friday night without her. Though she was on this site early today.

Ah, my Raiders are beating the 49ers in pre-season american football. I know it's pre-season, but still.

[edit] a good reason to drink a cold one, though.

Other Comments by mordacious1

27. Comment #226897 by Laurie Fraser on August 8, 2008 at 9:18 pm

She's probably out "clubbing", or some such activity as youngsters are wont up with which to get.

Where do your raiders hail from? I'm watching the Australian women's beach volleyball team slaughter the Russians. Did you check out the opening ceremony? Interesting to note the complete absence of women from the Saudi team.

Other Comments by Laurie Fraser

28. Comment #226898 by mordacious1 on August 8, 2008 at 9:21 pm

Well, possibly...hard to have fun with a headache though.

Oakland Raiders, down the street from Al's house.

No, I hate the opening ceremonies. Can't really tell you why.

Other Comments by mordacious1

29. Comment #226899 by mordacious1 on August 8, 2008 at 9:25 pm

When you say "clubbing", do you mean bar-hopping or whacking people? You never know with twp.

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30. Comment #226902 by Laurie Fraser on August 8, 2008 at 9:34 pm

Haha - both; she's taken to this business of "whacking" with alacrity!

Other Comments by Laurie Fraser

31. Comment #226903 by Quine on August 8, 2008 at 9:37 pm

Comment #226893 by Laurie Fraser:

So droll, Quine.

Better droll than troll; that's what I think.

Other Comments by Quine

32. Comment #226905 by Laurie Fraser on August 8, 2008 at 9:41 pm

Yeah, Quine - perhaps we need a [droll] button. Probably won't get that one off the ground; I recall that, after some serious campaigning, Josh ignored the demand for a [fucktard] button.

Other Comments by Laurie Fraser

33. Comment #226912 by mordacious1 on August 8, 2008 at 9:59 pm

I guess "LastGreekStanding" is going to apply to the Greek Olympic team too. A lot of Greeks being sent home for doping.(go ahead, hit droll button)

Other Comments by mordacious1

34. Comment #226914 by lastgreekstanding on August 8, 2008 at 10:16 pm

mordacious1, you're an idiot.

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35. Comment #226915 by mordacious1 on August 8, 2008 at 10:23 pm

lastgreek

Bite me.

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36. Comment #226918 by lastgreekstanding on August 8, 2008 at 10:37 pm

mordacious1, I don't eat dog meat.

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37. Comment #226919 by Laurie Fraser on August 8, 2008 at 10:49 pm

Thread going downhill fast.

Other Comments by Laurie Fraser

38. Comment #226944 by Ichneumonid on August 9, 2008 at 1:15 am

Sorry to disrupt the off-thread nature of this thread, but we in Australia prefer to see our images of JC (or William Shakespeare, as the case may be) on railway station platforms and not eat them on toast.

http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,21023886-5001021,00.html

Other Comments by Ichneumonid

39. Comment #226947 by Ichneumonid on August 9, 2008 at 1:26 am

This kind of thing happens (or not) as well:

http://au.todaytonight.yahoo.com/article/38725/lifestyle/house-miracles

But just as a reminder, so does this:

http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2004/07/29/1091080366746.html?from=storylhs

Key quote "We still believe - the rest doesn't matter,"

Other Comments by Ichneumonid

40. Comment #226970 by Ivan The Not So Bad on August 9, 2008 at 3:24 am

At last, religion is toast.

Other Comments by Ivan The Not So Bad

41. Comment #226974 by D'Arcy on August 9, 2008 at 4:38 am

Holy toast? Hmmmn? I think I'd prefer Marilyn Monroe toast. At least we know for sure that she was real.

As for miracles, check out Sai Baba. He's alive and still performing miracles in India:
http://www.saibabamiracles.com/baba/index.html

Other Comments by D'Arcy

42. Comment #226985 by Raiko on August 9, 2008 at 6:07 am

Meh.
If someone wants to EAT THE FACE OF JESUS for breakfast, that's up to them.

They eat the WAFER which is THE FLESH OF JESUS, REALLY! ... What could possibly deter them from eating his face?

Other Comments by Raiko

43. Comment #226998 by Border Collie on August 9, 2008 at 6:53 am

You guys who are constantly fighting with each other on this site ... GO TO YOUR ROOM, NOW!

Generally, w w w . n b c 5 i . c o m (spread out to prevent deletion) has has some stupid iconic-face-on-the-cornbread story about once a week if anyone feels like keeping up.

I just want to find a really, really good one and sell it on Ebay to some boneheaded fundamentalist for a few hundred thousand dollars.

Other Comments by Border Collie

44. Comment #227002 by Rawhard Dickins on August 9, 2008 at 6:58 am

How about toilet paper with jesus' face on it?

Other Comments by Rawhard Dickins

45. Comment #227019 by Pattern Seeker on August 9, 2008 at 7:38 am

I once harvested a gourd that was shaped like the face of 'Brian.'

Does that count?

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46. Comment #227041 by bluebird on August 9, 2008 at 8:09 am

Perhaps god is getting bored with flat images--recently he tried his hand at 3-D dry goods:

http://www.myfoxkc.com/myfox/pages/News/Detail?contentId=7087875&version=1&locale=EN-US&layoutCode=VSTY&pageId=3.2.1#

Other Comments by bluebird

47. Comment #227061 by thewhitepearl on August 9, 2008 at 8:58 am

I guess twp has a headache, it's not a Friday night without her.

awww gee thanks!

Well, possibly...hard to have fun with a headache though.

Alcohol takes away the pain.

As for the rest of that conversation,

1.) I don't go clubbing. Here in Dallas we have bars, ultra lounges, and clubs. I frequent the first two. Clubs are usually dirty, sweaty, and are usually 18 up. I don't find that fun.
2.) Did the raiders end up winning? I don't really make it a point to watch pre-season.

Other Comments by thewhitepearl

48. Comment #227063 by mordacious1 on August 9, 2008 at 9:03 am

twp

Good morning, hope the head's better.

Pre-season is a good way to check out the new talent. The Raiders now have some awesome running backs, and yes they kicked SF heiny.

Other Comments by mordacious1

49. Comment #227069 by thewhitepearl on August 9, 2008 at 9:19 am

mordy,

Much better, thank you.

I know, I know. I don't deny that and I will sit and watch one if I'm not doing anything and feel like scoping it out. What I meant is, I won't go out of my way to watch it.

For example in regular season, I work my schedule around Sunday, Mondays and plan in advance if I have to on Thursdays.

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50. Comment #227078 by mordacious1 on August 9, 2008 at 9:34 am

twp

btw, my neighbor is "out", so I don't have to toss hay bales anymore, thank dog. He actually came here first and I went down to smooth things over with his wife before he would go home. Wimp. His story is he picked up the girl hitchhiking just to be nice, right! His wife didn't believe it either. I've been waiting to hear the gunshot all morning.

Daughter made some great muffins and I'm drinking Prince of Wales out of my RDF mug. Very relaxing.

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