By BUSINESS - THE ONION
Added: Sat, 13 Feb 2010 00:00:00 UTC

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/forgotten_assyrian_god_revived_to

NEW YORK—Representatives from the sports drink manufacturer Powerade announced Wednesday that Nisroch, the ancient Assyrian god of agriculture, has been resurrected from the depths of Assyro-Babylonian mythology to serve as the key marketing figure for their newest product, Nisroch: Eagle Heart X-TREME WHIRLWIND!

According to officials, the eagle-headed farming deity, once a source of strength and comfort to ancient Assyrians, is the perfect symbol for athletes looking to take their game to the next level.

"The name Nisroch is synonymous with power," a statement from Powerade read in part. "And this drink, with its new X-TREME WHILRWIND!™ formula, will allow athletes to experience what it must have been like for Nisroch to soar over Assyria and bring those who dared to challenge him to their knees."

"Just like Nisroch needed courage to protect all who worshiped him," the statement continued, "Eagle Heart will give you the eagle-like courage you need to produce extreme results on the court, on the baseball diamond, or in the weight room."

According to Powerade executives, Nisroch, revered by ancient Assyrians for bringing rain to nourish their crops, will be used to represent such new product features as supernatural electrolyte replenishment and rapid liquid-energy delivery.
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