1. McCain's VP Wants Creationism Taught in School

Comment #240287 by Satanburiedfossils on August 31, 2008 at 9:27 am

Hmm. Let's see. Our "healthy debate" will consist of:

A theory based on a preponderance of the evidence, and which has been thoroughly peer reviewed.

And a "theory" whose sole foundation is the "http://www.skeptictank.org/hs/proof.htm" target="_blank">paper mythology
" of the bible, and which is NOT supported by a single shred of empirical evidence. (And forget about peer review; it can't even make it past the door.)

While we're at it, why not have a "healthy debate" about Geocentricity and the Flat Earth (both of which, by the way, are also supported by the bible)?

2. McCain's VP Wants Creationism Taught in School

Comment #240282 by Satanburiedfossils on August 31, 2008 at 9:05 am

The GOP wants a science curriculum that prepares students for a new century.

The 12th century.

3. Write to UCF

Comment #219381 by Satanburiedfossils on July 26, 2008 at 10:19 pm

If Eucharist crackers really were holy, then why wouldn't the Almighty imbue them with supernatural properties?

For example, why couldn't a Eucharist cracker be indestructible until such time it was eaten by a believer?

Or, perhaps a Eucharist cracker could give a nasty electrical shock to any heretic who tried to desecrate it.

But then, perhaps that sort of thing would give the game away and remove the need for believers to remain unwaveringly gullible -- oops, I meant unwaveringly faithful.

4. IT'S A GODDAMNED CRACKER!

Comment #207410 by Satanburiedfossils on July 9, 2008 at 5:28 pm

"Christians are inherently weak, gullible, easily fooled, and they believe what they're told.

Imagine someone with the arrogance to tout an in-your-face bumper sticker that reads, 'The Bible says it, I believe it, that settles it!' and then have the temerity to take exception to me saying that they believe what they're told!"
-- The Godless Bastard

"Tell me, when was the last time an atheist strapped a bomb to his chest and blew up a nightclub because the people inside didn't embrace evolution?"
-- The Godless Bastard

http://godlessbastard.com/01.html

5. Group Asks for Divine Intervention to Ease Oil Prices

Comment #204328 by Satanburiedfossils on July 4, 2008 at 7:11 pm

Wouldn't it save time to just pray for God to supernaturally fill our tanks with gasoline?

Or better yet, a car that runs on Faith.

6. Group Asks for Divine Intervention to Ease Oil Prices

Comment #204326 by Satanburiedfossils on July 4, 2008 at 6:56 pm

They should be praying to Dick Cheney. He's more powerful than God.

7. Muslims outraged at police advert featuring cute puppy sitting in policeman's hat

Comment #204241 by Satanburiedfossils on July 4, 2008 at 1:21 pm

Good thing they didn't invite some Muslim children to come up with a name for the puppy.

8. Muslims outraged at police advert featuring cute puppy sitting in policeman's hat

Comment #203831 by Satanburiedfossils on July 3, 2008 at 6:51 pm

Picture of cute puppy: BAD.

Picture of beheaded infidel: GOOD.

9. Pelosi, Reid shunning Ten Commandments?

Comment #181405 by Satanburiedfossils on May 17, 2008 at 6:42 am

Excerpts from "The Real Ten Commandments" by Richard Carrier:

I keep hearing this chant, variously phrased: "The Ten Commandments are the foundation of Western morality and the American Constitution and government." In saying this, people are essentially crediting Moses with the invention of ethics, democracy and civil rights, a claim that is of course absurd. But its absurdity is eclipsed by its injustice, for there is another lawmaker who is far more important to us, whose ideas and actions lie far more at the foundation of American government, and whose own Ten Commandments were distributed at large and influencing the greatest civilizations of the West--Greece and Rome--for well over half a millennia before the laws of Moses were anything near a universal social influence.

The man I am talking about is Solon the Athenian. Solon was born, we believe, around 638 B.C.E., and lived until approximately 558, but the date in his life of greatest importance to us is the year he was elected to create a constitution for Athens, 594 B.C.E. How important is this man? Let's examine what we owe to him, in comparison with the legendary author (or at last, in legend, the transmitter) of the Judeo-Christian Ten Commandments. Solon is the founder of Western democracy and the first man in history to articulate ideas of equal rights for all citizens, and though he did not go nearly as far in the latter as we have come today, Moses can claim no connection to either. Solon was the first man in Western history to publicly record a civil constitution in writing. No one in Hebrew history did anything of the kind, least of all Moses. Solon advocated not only the right but even the duty of every citizen to bear arms in the defense of the state--to him we owe the 2nd Amendment. Nothing about that is to be found in the Ten Commandments of Moses. Solon set up laws defending the principles and importance of private property, state encouragement of economic trades and crafts, and a strong middle class--the ideals which lie at the heart of American prosperity, yet which cannot be credited at all to Moses.

Solon is the first man in history to eliminate birth as a basis for government office, and to create democratic assemblies open to all male citizens, such that no law could be passed without the majority vote of all. The notion of letting women into full political rights would not arise in any culture until that of modern Europe, but democracy never gets a single word in the Bible. Solon invented the right of appeal and trial by jury, whereby an assembly of citizens chosen at random, without regard for office or wealth or birth, gave all legal verdicts. Moses can claim nothing as fundamental as these developments, which are absolutely essential to modern society. The concept of taking a government official to court for malfeasance we owe to Solon. We read nothing of the kind about Moses. The idea of allowing foreigners who have mastered a useful trade to immigrate and become citizens is also an original invention of Solon--indeed, the modern concept of citizenship itself is largely indebted to him. There is nothing like this in the Bible. And like our own George Washington, Solon declined the offer to become ruler in his country, giving it a Constitution instead--unlike Moses who gave laws yet continued to reign. And Solon's selfless creation of the Athenian constitution set the course which led to the rise of the first universal democracy in the United States, and it was to Solon's Athens, not the Bible, that our Founding Fathers looked for guidance in constructing a new State. Moses can claim no responsibility for this. If we had Solon and no Moses, we would very likely still be where we are today. But if we had Moses and no Solon, democracy might never have existed at all.

[The] Ten Commandments of Solon, which run as follows:

1. Trust good character more than promises.
2. Do not speak falsely.
3. Do good things.
4. Do not be hasty in making friends, but do not abandon them once made.
5. Learn to obey before you command.
6. When giving advice, do not recommend what is most pleasing, but what is most useful.
7. Make reason your supreme commander.
8. Do not associate with people who do bad things.
9. Honor the gods.
10. Have regard for your parents.

There is but one that might give a secularist pause: Solon's commandment to honor the gods (in the Greek, tima', "to honor, to revere, to pay due regard"). Yet when we compare it to the similar First Three Commandments of Moses, we see how much more Solon's single religious commandment can be made to suit our society and our civic ideals: it does not have to restrict religious freedom, for it does not demand that we believe in anyone's god or follow anyone's religious rules. It remains in the appropriate plural. Solon asks us to give the plethora of gods the regard that they are due, and we can say that some gods are not due much--such as the racist gods and gods of hellfire. In the end, it is good to be respectful of the gods of others, which we can do even if we are criticizing them, even if we disbelieve in them. This would remain true to our most prized American ethic of religious liberty and civility. Though it might better be rendered now, "Respect the religions of others," there is something fitting in admitting that there are many gods, the many that people invent and hope for.

http://secweb.infidels.org/?kiosk=articles&id=2

Also see:

"THE TEN COMMANDMENTS, an objective assessment" by Louis W. Cable

http://www.inu.net/skeptic/tencom.html

10. The Art of Creating Controversy Where None Existed

Comment #159936 by Satanburiedfossils on April 13, 2008 at 12:30 pm

Test Your Scientific Literacy! (2001) by Richard Carrier:

http://www.infidels.org/library/modern/richard_carrier/SciLit.html

11. Richard Dawkins and Bill Maher

Comment #159691 by Satanburiedfossils on April 12, 2008 at 9:26 pm

"Believing in a talking donkey kept me out of prison."
--John Q. Christian

Talking snake? Hey, what about that talking donkey in Numbers (KJV bible)?

(Well, technically, it's a talking ass, but whenever I think of talking asses I'm reminded of Creationists.)

Numbers 22:23 And the ass saw the angel of the LORD standing in the way, and his sword drawn in his hand: and the ass turned aside out of the way, and went into the field: and Balaam smote the ass, to turn her into the way.

(The donkey sees "the angel of the Lord", but Balaam can't. Call me crazy, but wouldn't an angel of the Lord's time better be spent saving drowning victims or knocking pedestrians out of the way of speeding horses?)

Numbers 22:24-27 But the angel of the LORD stood in a path of the vineyards, a wall being on this side, and a wall on that side. And when the ass saw the angel of the LORD, she thrust herself unto the wall, and crushed Balaam's foot against the wall: and he smote her again. And the angel of the LORD went further, and stood in a narrow place, where was no way to turn either to the right hand or to the left. And when the ass saw the angel of the LORD, she fell down under Balaam: and Balaam's anger was kindled, and he smote the ass with a staff.

(Balaam's donkey begins acting strangely so he strikes her repeatedly with his staff. Fortunately for Balaam, the SPCA had not yet been founded so there was little risk he would be hauled into court on charges of animal abuse.)

Numbers 22:28-30 And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam, What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times? And Balaam said unto the ass, Because thou hast mocked me: I would there were a sword in mine hand, for now would I kill thee. And the ass said unto Balaam, Am not I thine ass, upon which thou hast ridden ever since I was thine unto this day? was I ever wont to do so unto thee? And he said, Nay.

(Balaam is not the least bit astonished when his donkey begins talking to him. Perhaps he figured that if you hit a donkey enough times with a wooden stick it will master human speech in no time flat. Now if you or I suddenly realized we had a talking donkey on our hands, we'd be envisioning how we could make a fortune doing the rounds on the show circuit. This thought never seems to have occurred to Balaam, however, who wastes what should be a golden opportunity to do little more than chastise the donkey.)

Numbers 22:31-34 Then the LORD opened the eyes of Balaam, and he saw the angel of the LORD standing in the way, and his sword drawn in his hand: and he bowed down his head, and fell flat on his face. And the angel of the LORD said unto him, Wherefore hast thou smitten thine ass these three times? behold, I went out to withstand thee, because thy way is perverse before me: And the ass saw me, and turned from me these three times: unless she had turned from me, surely now also I had slain thee, and saved her alive. And Balaam said unto the angel of the LORD, I have sinned; for I knew not that thou stoodest in the way against me: now therefore, if it displease thee, I will get me back again.

(God's Allen Funt moment: "Look Balaam, it was me, God, this whole time blocking your donkey with an invisible angel and putting words in his mouth.")

I can't for the life of me figure out what sort of moral lesson we're supposed to take from this story. Maybe it's "don't lose your temper and strike animals that are acting freaky because there could be an invisible angel standing nearby."

Odd, too, that Balaam has committed a "sin" for something that he was in no way responsible. Well, at least he got off easier than Aaron's sons (Leviticus 10:1-2) and Uzza (1 Chronicles 13:7-10).

12. Commentary: Democrats finally getting religion on religion

Comment #157916 by Satanburiedfossils on April 9, 2008 at 6:21 pm

Might I suggest a few "faith-based" issues the candidates might want to consider:

Have witch-burnings made America safer?

(No witches burned in over 300 years! Our bible-thumping/bashing ancestors must've done something right.)

Should atheists be water-boarded?

(Is water-boarding really torture? Not if you toss some apples into the tank -- then it becomes a fun party game.)

Should the Church bring back the thumbscrew and the rack?

(Few debaters failed to concede to the Church's well-reasoned arguments when they had pieces of metal twisted into their thumbs or when they had their spines stretched to the breaking point. Of course, should the thumbscrew or the rack fail to sway a critic, the Church could always resort to that tried and true method of nailing the quibbler to a post and setting him/her on fire. You'd be surprised at how many arguments the Church won with that one method alone!)

And one other thing: If Creationism is to be taught in schools alongside Evolution, shouldn't we also give equal time to other biblical "theories", like:

Meteorology --versus-- Intelligent Weather (Genesis 7:11, 8:2; Exodus 9:22; Job 36:27, 36:32-33, 37:2-6, 37:10, 37:12, 38:22-23; Psalm 18:13-14; Jeremiah 51:16; Haggai 1:11, 2:17; James 5:17-18)

Geology, Geography --versus-- The flat, (hu)man-centered earth, with accompanying foundational pillars that set it apart from the "Seas" (Imagine that, the bible asserts that the oceans are not part of the earth!)

Astronomy, Cosmology --versus-- The non-existent universe (The sun, moon, and stars are just light fixtures set in the firmament, sort of like celestial Xmas lights.)

Medicine --versus-- Diseases due to possession by "unclean spirits" (Matthew 10:1; Luke 6:18), "evil spirits" (Luke 7:21, 8:2), and "devils" (Luke 8:2, 11:14)

13. Russell T Davies: Return of the (tea) Time Lord

Comment #155922 by Satanburiedfossils on April 6, 2008 at 10:15 am

This isn't the first time Richard Dawkins has made a guest appearance in Science Fiction.

You may recall that recently he appeared in the movie "Expelled".

14. In His Name We Pray, Ramen

Comment #151983 by Satanburiedfossils on March 29, 2008 at 9:23 pm

[Edit note: I deleted a few paragraphs that I felt were not properly developed. I also made a few minor changes. ~Satanburiedfossils]

Kathy Martin, of District 6 had this to say: "It is a serious offense to mock God."

Is it possible that a god delights in threatening and terrifying men? What glory, what honor and renown a god must win on such a field! The ocean raving at a drop; a star envious of a candle; the sun jealous of a fire-fly.
--Robert G. Ingersoll, "Heretics And Hericies" (1874)

That a supreme being should be omnipotent, immortal, and indestructible, and yet have an ego that is so fragile that the slightest affront causes it to go to pieces like a small child beggars the imagination!

Do believers even realize how they belittle their supposedly all-powerful God by saddling him with an overtly weak ego?

But then, perhaps it is not the deity itself that possesses the fragile ego (a moot point if the deity doesn't really exist in the first place) but the followers themselves.

Faith is like a house built on a weak foundation. The slightest disturbance can cause it to go crashing to the ground. Hence, religion, which is built upon the weak foundation of faith, remains in a perpetual state of tottering.

This is why true believers must close their ears, their eyes, and their minds to any disturbance to the substructure.

Religion's greatest enemy is reason. If religion had any credibility, it would not fear reason.

Religions often preach about "truths", but these "truths" are usually just groundless assertions accepted only by those indoctrinated in the Faith. A "truth" is only true if it accepted by the non-believer as well as the believer (or as someone once said: A "truth" must [1] actually be true, and [2] be provable as being true). Evidence is what makes something true. A groundless assertion presented as truth, but lacking requisite evidence, is at best, a mistake, or at worst, a lie.

If religion really were founded on "truths", then unbiased exploration of these truths would strengthen religious belief, not weaken it.

Suppose we have religions X, Y, and Z. The respective adherents of X, Y, and Z believe in the ultimate truthfulness of their particular faiths. X, Y, and Z are also mutually exclusive, which means that if you practice X you must reject Y and Z. Adherents of X are indoctrinated to believe in the verisimilitude of X, and the same goes for Y and Z.

But how, for example, do adherents of X know they are practicing the One True Faith? If the foundation for believing X cannot be tested, how do they know X is the correct religion?

Now, if an agnostic wishes to choose among X, Y, and Z, how does the agnostic come to a decision. What tangible benefits, for example, can adherents of X show over adherents of Y and Z?

If one can show no tangible benefits for believing in X, then Y and Z are just as good candidates for belief. (Or perhaps NONE are if X, Y, and Z can present no tangible benefits.)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A minister wrote in the margin of his sermon notes, "Weak argument here. Shout louder."
http://www.edwardtbabinski.us/dave_armstrong/middle_men.html

The problem with arguing from a position of Faith is that the believer has already painted himself into a corner. Whatever assertions he makes will necessarily beg the question, because faith cannot be supported by evidence nor can it be scientifically tested. How then does one go about proving an assertion that it is based solely on opinion and not on fact? While the believer may confidently assert that he "knows" himself to be correct, how will he go about proving it? Does the believer think himself infallible? And if his assertion could be proven, it would no longer be a matter of faith, it would be a matter of fact.

Suppose we have authorities A, B, and C, each of which is mutually exclusive. Each of these authorities claims to be the holder of the "absolute truth", yet none can offer anything to prove this assertion. A believer who has been indoctrinated to believe in the veracity of authority A will naturally dispute the validity of authorities B and C. But are authorities B and C invalidated simply because the believer doesn't recognize them?

Imagine two religionists of contrary faiths engaging in a debate to decide which is right and which is wrong. Would not the debate ultimately become an exercise in futility? Would it be surprising if the debate quickly degenerated into a war of words, each opponent loudly quoting verses from his respective holy books, as if to sway the other simply by the weight of mere belief?

Perhaps this explains why throughout history religionists have found it more expedient to convert infidels on the point of a sword rather than on the point of an argument.

15. The death-of-god debate

Comment #148589 by Satanburiedfossils on March 23, 2008 at 11:05 am

To paraphrase a blogger (sorry, I lost the link):

"Atheism is a form of religion like being healthy is a form of disease."

16. Machines 'to match man by 2029'

Comment #128624 by Satanburiedfossils on February 17, 2008 at 1:19 pm

Merging of man and machine? Where have we heard that before?

But what happens when the delusion of religion is added to the mix? Perhaps this cyber-tale by Adrian Barnett, "Unwelcome Contact" or "In space, no-one can hear you preach", lends a clue. An excerpt:

"[T]he most feared are the Christ-Borg. Originally a minor sect on Robertson's World, they began altering their bodies, attempting to use technology to achieve communion with their god. With the realisation that independent thought was unnecessary, even hazardous, to their beliefs, they merged their beings into one hive-mind. There could only be One Truth, and there was no need for anyone to think differently. They would all believe as one, and all be Saved as one. Soon after this, they started Crusading. Theirs was the Truth, and all others must be made to realise that."

http://www.abarnett.demon.co.uk/atheism/contact.html

17. Three Little Pigs 'too offensive'

Comment #115249 by Satanburiedfossils on January 23, 2008 at 7:50 pm

What about hand puppets?

Note Leviticus 19:19 (KJV bible)

"... neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee."

And you know what this means... God hates hand puppets!

Follow the logic... Hand puppet are made of felt. Felt is ungodly material. Hence, hand puppets are ungodly. Ungodly material is useless material. Useless materials are called rags. Therefore, hand puppets are rags. And God hates Rags!

How To Spot a Rag (from the "God hates Rags" website):

A rag hiding in a crowd of normal, God-fearing creatures can be easily identified by exhibiting the following characteristics:

* spontaneous singing or dancing
* affected, exaggerated speech or motion
* inability to blink
* "bobbling" instead of walking
* often clad in bright colors
* over-exaggerated facial features
* missing lower half of body or their legs hang limp
* impaled on human hand
* travel in groups that include talking or singing animals or celebrity guests

http://godhatesrags.com/rags.html

18. King Me!

Comment #113474 by Satanburiedfossils on January 19, 2008 at 4:58 pm

Excerpt from "25 Reasons Why I Am No Longer a Christian":

"Without pointing to words, without relying on word associations, what can you tell me about God? If you can't tell me anything without refering back to word associations, then the word associations themselves—omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, and omnibenevolent—are meaningless since they also or composed of associations that cannot be proven and are nowhere in evidence. For example, what does it mean to say that God is omnipotent (all-powerful?) Is there really such a thing as omnipotence or does its very definition entail contradictions and paradoxes? This quote by Epicurus (341-270 BCE) clearly exemplifies the issue: "Is God willing to prevent evil but not able? Then He is not omnipotent. Is He able but not willing? Then He is malevolent. Is He both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is He neither able nor willing? Then why call Him God?"

It's almost like an elaborate con game is going on. The term 'God' is meaningless without the word associations, but the words used to make the associations are also meaningless since taken together they are inherently contrary, paradoxical, and still manage to beg the question. And isn't all doctrinal language just this way? You can't point to God, so you make word associations instead. You can't point to life-after-death, so you make word associations instead. You can't point to Satan, so you make word associations instead.

Without words, without making word associations, there would be no knowledge of the Soul or Heaven or Hell or Judgement Day or Eternal Life, etc. Even the notion of 'Sin' depends on word associations, for what is a 'sin' without the declaration of sin?"

http://www.control-z.com/pgs/why_no_longer.html

19. 2 fleas for the Christmas week

Comment #102815 by Satanburiedfossils on December 23, 2007 at 5:28 pm

It always depresses me to see yet another flea raking Richard Dawkins over the proverbial coals (this sort of colorful language is reminiscent of bygone days when the Church rarely lost an argument, especially when its primary debating tools were the thumbscrew, the rack, and the burning stake). Consequently, in light of that sentiment, it is worth reading the words of a Dawkins defender (and the link to the accompanying review is definitely worth a look, too):

"Richard Dawkins is hated. He is hated by the scientifically illiterate as an arrogant and know-all scientist, and he is hated by the believers in God as a confounder of their dishonest cant and specious 'truth'.

[In] the one thousand years that Christianity was unchallenged in Europe[,] the best [it] could produce was S Thomas Aquinas and his Schoolman philosophy, a tortuous convoluted compendium of all the ways that the world depended on the supernatural. Learning was dead, and Christianity had all the responsibility for its murder because it began itself in the splendour of classical civilization, but destroyed it all as being demonic in less than two hundred years. A thousand years later, it all had to be relearned.

The only credit Christianity can take is that it never killed off everyone in Europe, although it got close to it at times, its sheer filth being a breeding ground for plagues, and its own terrifying beliefs in the soul and its demonic possession leading to countless cruel deaths by burning, torture and starvation in dank, rat infested dungeons.

We have people whose concern with the universe is that it is a metaphorical vale of woe, delaying their advent into a much more desirable, if less material world, suggesting that a scientist has no curiosity about it. At best, for a Christian, the world is a clever artefact made by the supreme being to impress us, or scare us, and since He made it with His supernatural skills, it follows that it is no concern of ours how it was put together. We are supposed merely to be grateful. It is, of course, the way of thinking that dominated Europe for the Dark Age millennium, and it is returning."

-- Dr M D Magee, "The God Delusion—Review of Reviews" (January 2007)

http://www.askwhy.co.uk/truth/950GodDelusion.php#Robinson

20. God rest you merry atheist

Comment #99890 by Satanburiedfossils on December 17, 2007 at 6:40 pm

I'm reminded of a silly joke:

Three men tragically die in a car accident during the Holiday season and soon find themselves at the Pearly Gates, with St. Peter standing out front.

Peter says to the men, "Since this is Christmastime, you must each produce something that represents this glorious time of year."

The first man digs in his pocket and comes out with a lighter.

"This represents a candle" he says..

"You may now enter the kingdom of Heaven" says Peter.

The second man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a set of keys. He shakes them and says, "These represent bells."

"Welcome to Heaven," says Peter.

The third man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of women's underwear.

"These are Carol's."

21. Highway to hysteria

Comment #94837 by Satanburiedfossils on December 6, 2007 at 6:49 pm

[Edited and revised for a more coherent theme and more robust blasphemy.]

Read Isaiah 35:8:

And an highway shall be there, and a way, and it shall be called The way of holiness; the unclean shall not pass over it; but it shall be for those: the wayfaring men, though fools, shall not err therein.

Obviously, to any brain-dead literal-minded pismire of an evangelical Christian, that is a reference to I-35, the interstate that cuts through Minnesota and Texas. Obviously. Never mind that unclean PZ Myers has driven on it quite often, or that this is the road with the bridge that collapsed, or heck, that it is just a long piece of concrete with trucks blatting out nasty hot gasses all day long.

In light of this startling revelation, this would be a good time to review Genesis:

Genesis 1:1 In the beginning God created the heaven and the freeway.

1:2 And the freeway was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the highway. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the roadbed.

1:3 And God said, Let there be asphalt: and there was asphalt.

1:4 And God saw the asphalt, that it was good: and God divided the passing lane from the slow lane.

1:5 And God called the asphalt Freeway, and the route he called Interstate 35. And the evening and the morning were the first day.

1:6 And God said, Let there be a median in the midst of the freeway, and let it divide the northbound lanes from the southbound lanes.

1:7 And God made the median and divided the lanes on either side with a guardrail: and it was so.

1:8 And God called the guardrail the Central Divider. And the evening and the morning were the second day.

1:9 And God said, Let the median bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the roadside wildflowers after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the median: and it was so.

1:10 And the median brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the roadside wildflowers, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

1:11 And the evening and the morning were the third day.

1:12 And God said, Let there be lights above the freeway to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for safe travel, and for entry ramps, and exit ramps:

1:13 And let them be for lights to give light upon the freeway: and it was so.

1:14 And God set them in the midst of the central divider to give light upon the freeway, and God saw that it was good.

1:15 And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.

1:16 And God said, Let the cities bring forth abundantly the motor vehicles that hath speed, and the cars that may fly above the limit in the open stretch of the freeway.

1:17 And God created great eighteen-wheelers, and every vehicle that moveth, which the cities brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every make and model of automobile after its kind: and God saw that it was good.

1:18 And God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the travel lanes of the freeway, and let gridlock multiply in the midst of the cities.

1:19 And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.

1:20 And God said, Let us make commuters in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the eighteen-wheelers, and over the sports cars, and over the SUVs, and over all the vehicles that moveth, and over every vehicle that creepeth upon the crowded freeway.

1:21 So God created commuters in his own image, in the image of God created he them; male and female created he them.

1:22 And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the freeway, and subdue it: and have dominion over the strip malls, and over the fast food restaurants, and over every business that lieth beside the freeway.

1:23 And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.

1:24 Thus the heavens and the freeway were finished, and all the host of them.

1:25 And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day and watched television.

22. Evolution and Texas

Comment #94099 by Satanburiedfossils on December 4, 2007 at 6:59 pm

A detailed scientific explanation of the theory of Intelligent Design (ID):

Poof!! Voila, life.

23. Atheism's Wrong Turn

Comment #93619 by Satanburiedfossils on December 3, 2007 at 6:32 pm

Should it turn out that I am the worst man in the whole world, the story of the flood will remain just as improbable as before, and the contradictions of the Pentateuch will still demand an explanation.... Remembering that only a few years ago men, women, and even children, were imprisoned, tortured and burned, for having expressed in an exceedingly mild and gentle way, the ideas entertained by me, I congratulate myself that calumny is now the pulpit's last resort. The old instruments of torture are kept only to gratify curiosity; the chains are rusting away, and the demolition of time has allowed even the dungeons of the Inquisition to be visited by light. The church, impotent and malicious, regrets, not the abuse, but the loss of her power, and seeks to hold by falsehood what she gained by cruelty and force, by fire and fear.

--Robert G. Ingersoll, "Some Mistakes of Moses"

http://www.infidels.org/library/historical/robert_ingersoll/some_mistakes_of_moses.html

24. Sudan demo over jailed UK teacher

Comment #92749 by Satanburiedfossils on December 1, 2007 at 11:42 am

Suppose an American teacher and her class named a teddy bear "Jesus", what do you suppose would happen?

Well, should a non-Christian parent complain, the worst that could happen is that the school would take heat from the American Civil Liberties Union (since this could be considered a violation of the "establishment clause" of the Constitution).

I seriously doubt, though, that the 700 Club would be marching on Washington to call for her death!

Nonetheless, should something similar have happened here a few centuries ago, the teacher might have been accused of blasphemy (the idea being that naming an inanimate object after Christ could be a covert attempt to gain control over him) and perhaps prosecuted as a witch and burned at the stake.

25. Sudan demo over jailed UK teacher

Comment #92587 by Satanburiedfossils on November 30, 2007 at 8:26 pm

A few random thoughts:


It is rare to find a culture that has done such a splendid job of maintaining its Bronze Age values.

-----------------------------------------------------

Doesn't this sound like the premise of a South Park episode? The worst example of life imitating art.

-----------------------------------------------------

In seriousness, to call for someone to be executed for misnaming a teddy bear is sick, perverse, evil, shameful, disgusting, stupid, and insane. And that just scratches the surface.

26. Poll finds more Americans believe in devil than Darwin

Comment #92556 by Satanburiedfossils on November 30, 2007 at 6:53 pm

If God exists and the devil exists, then why does God let the devil wander about in the first place? Why not imprison or kill the devil? Is it not truly despicable that a supposedly good and loving God -- the Heavenly Father no less -- would allow the devil to tempt His children into hell? Wouldn't this be like a father testing his child's love by employing a registered sex offender as the babysitter?

The devil as depicted in Xtianity is flawed and absurb, and is too obviously an ineffective foil for God (which lends credence to the devil being a manufactured boogeyman). A good example of this is Robert G. Ingersoll's satirical argument in his essay "The Devil" (1899):

According to Christian theologians, the Devil has always done his utmost to gain possession of the souls of men. At the time he entered into Judas, persuading him to betray Christ, he knew that if Christ was betrayed he would be crucified, and that he would make an atonement for all believers, and that, as a result, he, the Devil, would lose all the souls that Christ gained.

What interest had the Devil in defeating himself? If he could have prevented the betrayal, then Christ would not have been crucified. No atonement would have been made, and the whole world would have gone to hell. The success of the Devil would have been complete. But, according to this story, the Devil outwitted himself.

How thankful we should be to his Satanic Majesty. He opened for us the gates of Paradise and made it possible for us to obtain eternal life. Without Satan, without Judas, not a single human being could have become an angel of light. All would have been wingless devils in the prison of flame. In Jerusalem, to the extent of his power, Satan repaired the wreck and ruin he had wrought in the Garden of Eden.

http://www.infidels.org/library/historical/robert_ingersoll/devil.html

27. A New Flea in Town!

Comment #92068 by Satanburiedfossils on November 29, 2007 at 8:21 pm

Some notable quotations:

I can cheerfully believe anything I see; but how can I believe in [God's] kindness and wisdom when I see so much cruelty and folly in the management of the world? The fact that everything exists in a state of sublime order, even if it were true, and due to the activity of a watchful Engineer, seems to me no more reason for kneeling in reverence than there is for bowing down and worshiping Mr. Henry Ford every time I see one of his interesting contraptions clatter by.

--Rupert Hughes, "Why I Quit Going To Church" (1924)

http://www.infidels.org/library/historical/rupert_hughes/why_i_quit_going_to_church.html


God is everywhere but not detectable anywhere.
-- Dave E. Matson

How silly it is to call an idea a "great truth" if it has no weight outside of one's religion! Can a great truth divide educated, rational minds? Does it have geographic boundaries, being true in one country and false in a neighboring country? Does the truth of a mathematical proposition hang on which part of the world one comes from? Or, is truth just truth? Make the details of religious belief a "sacred dogma" if you must, something to be accepted mainly on faith, but don't persecute on account of that dogma. History is littered with dogmatic beliefs that turned out to be wrong despite the fact that they were held to be great truths with the strongest, inner feelings of certainty.

-- Dave E. Matson

http://dave-matson.blogspot.com/


A surgeon once called upon a poor cripple and kindly offered to render him any assistance in his power. The surgeon began to discourse very learnedly upon the nature and origin of disease; of the curative properties of certain medicines; of the advantages of exercise, air and light, and of the various ways in which health and strength could be restored. These remarks were so full of good sense, and discovered so much profound thought and accurate knowledge, that the cripple, becoming thoroughly alarmed, cried out, "Do not, I pray you, take away my crutches. They are my only support, and without them I should be miserable indeed!" "I am not going," said the surgeon, "to take away your crutches. I am going to cure you, and then you will throw the crutches away yourself."

--Robert G. Ingersoll, "The Gods" (1872)

http://www.infidels.org/library/historical/robert_ingersoll/gods.html

28. The evolution of creationism

Comment #87929 by Satanburiedfossils on November 13, 2007 at 4:50 pm

Genetics in Genesis (KJV bible):

Genesis 30:37-39 And Jacob took him rods of green poplar, and of the hazel and chesnut tree; and pilled white strakes in them, and made the white appear which was in the rods. And he set the rods which he had pilled before the flocks in the gutters in the watering troughs when the flocks came to drink, that they should conceive when they came to drink. And the flocks conceived before the rods, and brought forth cattle ringstraked, speckled, and spotted.

Jacob shows his sheep some colored rods so they will beget "ringstraked, speckled, and spotted" offspring.

The basis for this ancient (and unscientific) belief is explained in this excerpt from "Scientific Boo-Boos in the Bible":

The editors of The New American Bible were reputable enough to affix a frankly honest footnote to this passage:

Jacob's stratagem was based on the widespread notion among simple people that visual stimuli can have prenatal effects on the offspring of breeding animals. Thus, the rods on which Jacob had whittled stripes or bands or chevron marks were thought to cause the female goats that looked at them to bear kids with lighter-colored marks on their dark hair, while the gray ewes were thought to bear lambs with dark marks on them simply by visual crossbreeding with the dark goats.

We know today that the color characteristics of animals is purely a matter of genetics, so a modern, scientifically-educated person would never write anything as obviously superstitious as this tale of Jacob's prosperity. The Genesis writer(s), however, knew nothing about the science of genetics, so to him the story undoubtedly made good sense.

http://www.skepticfiles.org/sr/1boobo91.htm

Imagine if advocates wanted to teach this nonsense in schools as an alternate "theory" to Genetics. Of course, a scientific experiment could be devised to test the veracity of this "theory" (what a novel approach! -- actually producing evidence before calling something a theory), but the same advocates would probably blame a negative result on a lack of faith.*

* Scapegoating the devil works, too.

29. Georgia plans service to pray for rain

Comment #86987 by Satanburiedfossils on November 10, 2007 at 9:08 pm

This just in...

God apologizes for the inconvenience, but the celestial plumbing has developed a clog.

The Almighty is currently negotiating with the plumbers in heaven for an estimate on the repair. As God is dealing with contractors, this could take anywhere from a few days to eternity.

30. Georgia plans service to pray for rain

Comment #86979 by Satanburiedfossils on November 10, 2007 at 8:43 pm

If the Almighty can spontaneously create water, wouldn't it be more expedient to just pray for God to supernaturally fill all the depleted wells and reservoirs with water?

Or, why not just pray for God to cause all the taps to produce water-on-demand?

But then, the biblical God has never been known to take the most logical and straightforward approach toward anything.

31. Jesus Rides the Number 7 Train

Comment #84792 by Satanburiedfossils on November 3, 2007 at 4:17 pm

Excerpt from Adrian Swindler's "The Flat-Earth: Still an Embarassment to Bible Inerrantists" examining some ridiculous questions (at least in light of modern day understanding) that God asked Job:

Let's look, for example, at the questions this god allegedly asked Job.
They are either questions that little children in school could easily
answer or those that are based on erroneous conceptions. "What holds
up the pillars that support the earth? Who laid the cornerstone of the
world?" (v:6). ANSWER: There ain't any, and nobody! "Who closed
the gates to hold back the sea?" (v:8). ANSWER: Nobody, because
there are no gates. "Have you walked on the floor of the ocean?"
(v:16). ANSWER: People have, so what? "Do you know where light comes
from or what the source of darkness is?" (v:19). ANSWER: What a
question! It reminds me of an old "little moron" joke. In a
class discussing the relative importance of the sun and the moon, the
teacher asked, "Which is more important, the sun or the moon?"
The little moron answered, "Why, the moon is more important! It gives
us light at night when we need it; the sun is there in the daytime when
it's already light." This entire chapter in Job is laughable to
anyone educated in science.

http://www.skepticfiles.org/sr/3flat90.htm

32. Jesus Rides the Number 7 Train

Comment #84790 by Satanburiedfossils on November 3, 2007 at 4:00 pm

American Fundies believe...

* Believe that all humans on the planet are descended from two people of European ethnicity who lived in the Middle East.

* Believe that a virgin born in what is now modern-day Palestine -- but who was somehow of European descent -- gave birth to a man/god and was later teleported to Heaven, but the best trick she can perform today is to transmit her image in the form of food products and hard-water stains.

* Believe that Jesus was the embodiment of God and thus knew everything but had no clue when he would return.

* Believe that Bronze-age Mesopotamian desert-dwelling nomads really had it going on when it comes to the natural sciences.

* Believe in a supreme being that is omnipotent, eternal, and indestructible yet has an ego that is so fragile that the slightest affront causes it to go to pieces like a small child.

* Believe that the sky is lined with spigots which the Almighty sometimes absentmindedly forgets to turn on.

33. 'Flying Spaghetti Monster' Religious Group Turning Heads at MSU

Comment #76566 by Satanburiedfossils on October 6, 2007 at 9:52 am

Move over Catholicism.

Eating the flesh of the Flying Spaghetti Monster sounds a lot more appetizing. Plus, it avoids the whole cannibalism issue.

34. Why Christians should take Richard Dawkins seriously

Comment #72336 by Satanburiedfossils on September 20, 2007 at 7:01 pm

Is God outside the "universe"?

Well, if you accept the biblical model and define the known universe as everything contained inside the firmament (the sky, the celestial bodies, the earth) and believe that God walks on top of the firmament (Job 22:14 Thick clouds are a covering to him, that he seeth not; and he walketh in the circuit [vault] of heaven.), then, yes, God is outside the universe.

(However, it is worth noting that he does occasionally pop inside the firmament. This is usually followed by great heapings of bloodshed and destruction. So if you ask me, better for him to stay right where he is.)

35. Pentagon Sued Over Mandatory Christianity

Comment #72319 by Satanburiedfossils on September 20, 2007 at 6:14 pm

Speaking of "no atheists in foxholes", Woolsey Teller attacks that tired old refrain in his essay CHRISTIAN COWARDICE AND ATHEIST COURAGE (The Truth Seeker, 1945). Excerpts follow:

The implication now going the rounds is that atheists cannot remain godless under the shock of shellfire, that men must inevitably drop to their knees and pray to God when the battle becomes hot. "There are no atheists in fox-holes" has come to take its place beside the conventional belief, common in Christian circles, that sooner or later, atheists recant. Tales of death-bed "horrors" and of infidel 'remorse" will soon be superseded by the more colorful story of the fox-holes of Bataan.

The two Pious soldiers who sponsored this slogan and who found themselves on their knees at the battle of Bataan, should ask themselves the question: "Did our praying pay?" Certainly their prayers did not win the battle for our troops or stop the enemy; and, though their own two lives were saved, so were the lives of numberless Japs. On the other hand, hundreds of their fighting buddies, in near-by fox-holes, were killed or wounded, in spite of prayer.

Who actually knows how many atheists did, or did not fight at Bataan? The two pious Christians who, in one lone fox-hole, fell on their knees and whimpered to God, should have called the roll first. To say, as they did, that there were no atheists in the fox-holes of Bataan, is the same as saying that there were no grocery clerks, no Masonic members, or no lawyers fighting there. How could they know? The Bataan defenders were not asked to state their religious opinions while the battle was on. They fought, regardless of their religious or irreligious beliefs.

What is there in the teachings of Jesus to make a Christian brave? Can one consistently fight his enemies if he is taught to "love" them? Did the two Christians on their knees "love" their enemy, the Japs? If they didn't, why didn't they? As Christ-worshippers, they should have rushed from their fox-holes and hugged those who were showering them with lead. And why, too, did they "resist" evil? Didn't Jesus teach them not to do so? They should have turned the other cheek to those who were invading their territory. And why, too, when things looked black and they prayed for help, were their prayers not answered? Was God interested in seeing the Japs win?

http://www.edwardtbabinski.us/essays/courage.html

36. Pentagon Sued Over Mandatory Christianity

Comment #72305 by Satanburiedfossils on September 20, 2007 at 5:40 pm

No atheists in foxholes.

GI: "Okay, we've dug the foxhole. Now we have to find a place for the choir and the pipe organ."

37. Democratic Candidates on a Personal God

Comment #64369 by Satanburiedfossils on August 19, 2007 at 8:18 pm

We hear a lot in the news about the effects of "climate change" and "global warming" on the environment. That's all find and good. But I think we all know the real cause of inclement weather: too much sinning. The recent floods in England are a good example of this.

We selfishly forget that our fellow creatures must share our fate whenever we fail to control our sinful impulses. But it's not just the animals that must suffer. Imagine the poor trees swept away by God's floodwaters of judgment.

And now here in States we have Hurricane Dean rapidly bearing down on the bible belt. I hope that the Christian churches of America will get the message that God is really miffed and that the only way we can avert disaster is to hold a series of nationwide revival meetings.

How many human dwellings and animal habitats must God, in his infinite wisdom and mercy, see fit to destroy in order to teach us about the importance of prayer? How many of His innocent creatures must God obliterate before we humans learn to control our lecherous urges?

Now I won't claim to know the mysterious ways of the Lord, but I suspect that the terrible tragedy in Minnesota would never have happened had some careless motorist crossing the I-35W bridge not entertained a lustful thought or two about Angelina Jolie.

(Just so you know, this is satire.)

38. Authors at Google: Christopher Hitchens

Comment #64230 by Satanburiedfossils on August 18, 2007 at 6:42 pm

Did I read that right? Christopher Hitchens is now a U.S. citizen? (I didn't see the word "Onion" anywhere.)

This must be a major blow for the Fundies. The nation loses Jerry Falwell and gains Christopher Hitchens.

Let me apologize for sounding callous, but there may be another slot opening soon. I think you can see where I'm going with this. (RD, Atheist American. Has a good ring to it.)

Nah. That'll never happen. Still, the Fundies better be praying good and hard for the Rapture, just in case.

39. Does the Bible have a place in public schools?

Comment #61767 by Satanburiedfossils on August 6, 2007 at 8:15 pm

More Christian-related courses:

Witch Burning 101 : Updated for the 21st century, this environmentally friendly course takes an usual approach toward the dispatching of practitioners of the black arts, emphasizing the use of clean-burning fuels, such as propane, to minimize the effect on the ozone layer.

Advanced Inquisition : (prerequisite Anatomy) This course takes the guesswork out of finding the key nerve centers of pain in the human body. A must for anyone planning to enter the clergy.

Christian Astronomy : (prerequisites Flat Earth 101, Geocentricity 101) Simplifies the cosmos by boiling it down to the biblical model, i.e., the earth and the sky constitute the entirety of the universe.

Advanced Intelligent Design : (prerequisite Intelligent Design 101) This course simply repeats everything taught in ID 101, as attempting to expand on this issue would be heretical.

40. The New New Atheism

Comment #56645 by Satanburiedfossils on July 16, 2007 at 6:34 pm

...the common interpretation according to which God's testing of Abraham taught, among other things, that the then widespread practice of child-sacrifice was contrary to God's will, and must be put to an end forever.

God seems to have no qualms about sacrificing children in Judges (emphasis added):

Judges 11:30-32 And Jephthah vowed a vow unto the LORD, and said, If thou shalt without fail deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands, Then it shall be, that whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the children of Ammon, shall surely be the LORD's, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering. So Jephthah passed over unto the children of Ammon to fight against them; and the LORD delivered them into his hands.

Judges 11:34-35 And Jephthah came to Mizpeh unto his house, and, behold, his daughter came out to meet him with timbrels and with dances: and she was his only child; beside her he had neither son nor daughter. And it came to pass, when he saw her, that he rent his clothes, and said, Alas, my daughter! thou hast brought me very low, and thou art one of them that trouble me: for I have opened my mouth unto the LORD, and I cannot go back.

Judges 11:38-40 And he said, Go. And he sent her away for two months: and she went with her companions, and bewailed her virginity upon the mountains. And it came to pass at the end of two months, that she returned unto her father, who did with her according to his vow which he had vowed: and she knew no man. And it was a custom in Israel, That the daughters of Israel went yearly to lament the daughter of Jephthah the Gileadite four days in a year.

Jephthah enlists God's aid (as if the Almighty's arm needed twisting when it comes to killing) by making a foolish vow -- notwithstanding that whoever should haplessly enter Jephthah's home would most certainly be an innocent person!

The "very great slaughter" of the Ammonites in Judges 11:33 failing to abate God's seemingly insatiable appetite for bloodletting (no surprise here), Jephthah, a parent placed in the wickedly ironic, if not horrifying, position of having to incinerate his own child, must now commit one final act of senseless murder. Unlike Abraham's son, however, Jephthah's daughter is to receive no clemency from on high (except for a two-month reprieve to be spent agonizing over her fate -- just God's way of heaping insult on injury). But then, if the devil expects to be paid his due, then surely God will not be shown to be lax in letting his own accounts suffer. And even better for the bloodthirsty sky-god of the Old Testament, the sacrifice just happens to be a virgin! Who says God works in mysterious ways?

41. Won't anyone stand up for God?

Comment #54554 by Satanburiedfossils on July 7, 2007 at 6:13 pm

Atheists have to face the conundrum: why do so many people believe in God when there is no God to believe in?

The late Robert G. Ingersoll has a sensible, straightforward answer to this question: human beings invented God. But the field is not limited to just one supreme being. Indeed, as Ingersoll puts it: "Few nations have been so poor as to have but one god. Gods were made so easily, and the raw material cost so little, that generally the god market was fairly glutted, and heaven crammed with these phantoms."

More from Ingersoll's "The Gods" (1872):

To me, it seems easy to account for these ideas concerning gods and devils. They are a perfectly natural production. Man has created them all, and under the same circumstances would create them again. Man has not only created all these gods, but he has created them out of the materials by which he has been surrounded. Generally he has modeled them after himself, and has given them hands, heads, feet, eyes, ears. and organs of speech. Each nation made its gods and devils speak its language not only, but put in their mouths the same mistakes in history, geography, astronomy, and in all matters of fact, generally made by the people. No god was ever in advance of the nation that created him. The negroes represented their deities with black skins and curly hair. The Mongolian gave to his a yellow complexion and dark almond-shaped eyes. The Jews were not allowed to paint theirs, or we should have seen Jehovah with a full beard, an oval face, and an aquiline nose. Zeus was a perfect Greek, and Jove looked as though a member of the Roman senate. The gods of Egypt had the patient face and placid look of the loving people who made them. The gods of northern countries were represented warmly clad in robes of fur; those of the tropics were naked. The gods of India were often mounted upon elephants; those of some islanders were great swimmers, and the deities of the Arctic zone were passionately fond of whale's blubber. Nearly all people have carved or painted representations of their gods, and these representations were, by the lower classes, generally treated as the real gods, and to these images and idols they addressed prayers and offered sacrifice.

Man has never been at a loss for gods. He has worshiped almost everything, including the vilest and most disgusting beasts. He has worshiped fire, earth, air, water, light, stars, and for hundreds of ages prostrated himself before enormous snakes. Savage tribes often make gods of articles they get from civilized people. The Todas worship a cow-bell. The Kotas worship two silver plates, which they regard as husband and wife, and another tribe manufactured a god out of a king of hearts.

Man has no ideas, and can have none, except those suggested by his surroundings. He cannot conceive of anything utterly unlike what he has seen or felt. He can exaggerate, diminish, combine, separate, deform, beautify, improve, multiply and compare what he sees, what he feels, what he hears, and all of which he takes cognizance through the medium of the senses; but he cannot create. Having seen exhibitions of power, he can say, omnipotent. Having lived, he can say, immortality. Knowing something of time, he can say, eternity. Conceiving something of intelligence, he can say, God. Having seen exhibitions of malice, he can say, devil. A few glean's of happiness having fallen athwart the gloom of his life, he can say, heaven. Pain, in its numberless forms, having been experienced, he can say, hell. Yet all these ideas have a foundation in fact, and only a foundation. The superstructure has been reared by exaggerating, diminishing, combining, separating, deforming, beautifying, improving or multiplying realities, so that the edifice or fabric is but the incongruous grouping of what man has perceived through the medium of the senses. It is as though we should give to a lion the wings of an eagle, the hoofs of a bison, the tail of a horse, the pouch of a kangaroo, and the trunk of an elephant. We have in imagination created an impossible monster, and yet the various parts of this monster really exist. So it is with all the gods that man has made.

http://www.infidels.org/library/historical/robert_ingersoll/gods.html

42. Floods are judgment on society, say bishops

Comment #53492 by Satanburiedfossils on July 1, 2007 at 5:32 pm

I hope this story will at least give some merit toward teaching Intelligent Weather (IW) in schools.

But I think the real problem here is that Xtians have been praying for too much rain.

So, the next time there's a drought somewhere in the world, Xtians should focus their attention on coordinating their prayers. For example, instead of having everyone pray all at once, they should direct half of their constituents to petition God one week and the other half the following week.

Nonetheless, I believe it would be more expeditious for Xtians to simply ask the Creator to supernaturally fill all depleted wells and reservoirs with water. I say cut out the middle man and stop sending God mixed messages.

(It is necessary for me to label my posts as SATIRE?)

43. Rival to evolution may enter schools

Comment #52968 by Satanburiedfossils on June 28, 2007 at 7:55 pm

When will Intelligent Weather (IW) be taught alongside Meteorology?

Science is too narrow to explain weather. Have scientists ever built a weather machine in the laboratory? Of course not, so clearly they have no idea what they're talking about. Fortunately, the good book (KJV bible) has all the answers...

Clouds are solid (how else could they hold water?): Job 26:8

How clouds originate: they are stirred up when God walks across the sky (clouds are "the dust of his feet"). He also causes storms when he's angry:

Nahum 1:3 The LORD is slow to anger, and great in power, and will not at all acquit the wicked: the LORD hath his way in the whirlwind and in the storm, and the clouds are the dust of his feet.

God controls clouds:

Ezekiel 32:7 And when I shall put thee out, I will cover the heaven, and make the stars thereof dark; I will cover the sun with a cloud, and the moon shall not give her light.

(You see, the sun, moon, and stars are literally in the sky -- and at no great distance -- so God can easily cover them up and make them go away.)

God uses clouds as a form of transportation:

Numbers 11:25 And the LORD came down in a cloud, and spake unto him, and took of the spirit that was upon him, and gave it unto the seventy elders: and it came to pass, that, when the spirit rested upon them, they prophesied, and did not cease.


Rain: The sky has windows that God opens and closes to produce rain (Genesis 7:11, Genesis 8:2)

(The entire universe is made of water [perhaps it's about time we taught this alternate theory in Astronomy class] and the sky contains a huge dome [literally the "vault of heaven"] that holds back this water. The "atmosphere" is actually a massive air bubble inside the dome. The "earth" lies at the base of the dome, and is an enormous land mass surrounded by water -- essentially a huge island. The whole notion of a "spherical" earth was probably cooked up by Satan to challenge your Faith.)


God causes flash floods:

Nahum 1:8 But with an overrunning flood he will make an utter end of the place thereof, and darkness shall pursue his enemies.


Frost is caused by God's breath:

Job 37:10 By the breath of God frost is given: and the breadth of the waters is straitened.


God is responsible for droughts: Haggai 1:11

Little known fact -- droughts are caused by sin: 1 Kings 8:35 When heaven is shut up, and there is no rain, because they have sinned against thee; if they pray toward this place, and confess thy name, and turn from their sin, when thou afflictest them:

However, earnest prayer can make it rain:

James 5:17-18 Elias was a man subject to like passions as we are, and he prayed earnestly that it might not rain: and it rained not on the earth by the space of three years and six months. And he prayed again, and the heaven gave rain, and the earth brought forth her fruit.

(Certainly by now, the Almighty has seen fit to install some form of celestial plumbing. Unfortunately, God seems to have become increasingly absent-minded of late and sometimes forgets to turn on the spigots -- which perhaps explains today's frequent need to "pray for rain".)


More meteorological phenomena, courtesy of the Supreme Weatherman:

Hail and snow: Exodus 9:19, Haggai 2:17

Job 38:22-23 Hast thou entered into the treasures of the snow? or hast thou seen the treasures of the hail, Which I have reserved against the time of trouble, against the day of battle and war?

(God stores up hail and snow to use whenever there's "trouble". Apparently there's a lot of "trouble" in the northeastern United States during wintertime.)

Thunderstorms:

Jeremiah 51:16 When he uttereth his voice, there is a multitude of waters in the heavens; and he causeth the vapours to ascend from the ends of the earth: he maketh lightnings with rain, and bringeth forth the wind out of his treasures.

(God stores wind. There's a burrito joke in there somewhere.)

Psalm 18:13-14 The Lord also thundered in the heavens, and the Highest gave his voice; hail stones and coals of fire. Yea, he sent out his arrows, and scattered them; and he shot out lightnings, and discomfited them.

(The Hebrew sky-god doing his best Zeus impersonation.)

44. The infinite wisdom of Richard Dawkins

Comment #51731 by Satanburiedfossils on June 24, 2007 at 11:42 am

Christian science book:

Biblical geology:

Age of the earth: 6000 years (KJV bible)


Biblical astronomy:

earth: a flat disk on pillars surrounded by water (Genesis 1:6-10; 1 Samuel 2:8; 2 Samuel 22:16; 1 Chronicles 16:30; Job 9:6, 28:24, 38:4-6, 38:13; Psalm 18:15, 48:10, 59:13, 61:2, 93:1, 96:10, 103:12, 104:5, 136:6; Proverbs 8:29; Isaiah 24:18, 40:21-22, 41:9, 48:13; Ezekiel 7:2; Daniel 4:10-11; Romans 10:18; Revelations 7:1, 20:8)

firmament: a hard, shiny, crystal-like structure that supports an ocean of water in the sky (Genesis 1:6; Job 37:18; Ezekiel 1:22; Daniel 12:3; Psalm 19:1, 148:4)

stars: shiny specks stuck to the firmament (Isaiah 34:4; Daniel 8:10; Mark 13:25; Revelation 1:16, 6:13) See Isaiah 40:26 for an explanation of why stars move across the sky. Interesting fact: Stars can hover over specific places on the earth. (Matthew 2:9)

sun, moon: lamps hanging from the firmament, whose movements can be remotely controlled by humans (Genesis 1:16; Joshua 10:12-13; Job 9:7; Psalm 19:4-6, 136:7-9; Isaiah 38:8; Matthew 24:29)


Biblical periodic table:

| Earth | Fire | Air | Water |

[source: http://www.re-discovery.org/per_table.gif]


Biblical geometry:

pi = 3 (1 Kings 7:23)


Christian math:

1 + 1 + 1 = 1

(See "Trinity" for the proof.)


Answer key at back of book:

Answer to all quiz questions: God made it.

45. The Great God Debate

Comment #50073 by Satanburiedfossils on June 14, 2007 at 9:23 pm

CH: [D]o you think that at the time of the Crucifixion, the graves in the greater Jerusalem area opened, and many of the dead came out and walked the streets?

No doubt, this is a reference to the raised "saints" from Matthew 27:52-53 And the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints which slept arose, And came out of the graves after his resurrection, and went into the holy city, and appeared unto many.

This implications of this are addressed very aptly (and wryly) in "What Happened to the Resurrected Saints?" by Edward T. Babinski. An insightful excerpt:

According to the literal Greek in Matthew 27:50-53, the tombs were opened and the saints were "raised" at the instant of Jesus' death, but they entered the city over a day later! Apparently, neither Joseph of Arimathea nor Nicodemus, while burying Jesus (John. 19:38-40), chanced to marvel at all the opened graves and the raised saints in them waiting patiently for Sunday morning. The women in Matthew's account were likewise oblivious to the many graves lying opened by the earthquake and the saints supposedly just beginning to leave the cemetery for town the same morning the women were arriving. And the other gospels were silent on this major miracle involving many!

Babinski does note, however, that the absurdity of the newly resuscitated saints lounging in their graves until Sunday morning may arise from a careless translation of the original text.

http://www.edwardtbabinski.us/religion/resurrected_saints.html

46. Baptists Warned About Islam, Atheism

Comment #49662 by Satanburiedfossils on June 12, 2007 at 8:09 pm

As usual, another Christian seemingly unaware of the doctrines of his own Faith:

James 4:11-12 Speak not evil one of another, brethren. He that speaketh evil of his brother, and judgeth his brother, speaketh evil of the law, and judgeth the law: but if thou judge the law, thou art not a doer of the law, but a judge. There is one lawgiver, who is able to save and to destroy: who art thou that judgest another?

(Don't judge others; leave that to God.)

Luke 6:37-38 Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven: Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again.

(The measure by which you judge others will be used to judge you. Forgive and forget.)

Romans 2:1 Therefore thou art inexcusable, O man, whosoever thou art that judgest: for wherein thou judgest another, thou condemnest thyself; for thou that judgest doest the same things.

(When you judge others you condemn yourself, as you do the very things you accuse others of.)

Luke 6:41 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but perceivest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

(Remove the plank from your own eye before pointing out the splinter in your brother's eye.)

Of course, it is difficult to go through life without criticizing others. But Christians, by virtue of their Faith, are supposed to observe a higher moral standard. So why do they rarely practice what they preach?

47. Teaching assistant quit in protest at Harry Potter

Comment #48733 by Satanburiedfossils on June 8, 2007 at 9:26 pm

Speaking of abominations...

If she is indeed a God-fearing Xtian, she is no doubt aware of the follow passage (emphasis added):

1 Timothy 2:11-12 Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.

48. Hitchens and Prager Debate

Comment #46217 by Satanburiedfossils on May 30, 2007 at 3:29 pm

If I saw Hannibal Lector walking towards me late at night, I would be relieved to learn that he was coming from a Bible study meeting because I would know he had just had a hardy dinner.

49. Atheists: Get off of our country!

Comment #44946 by Satanburiedfossils on May 25, 2007 at 4:13 pm

Get off of our country?

I'm surprised that the letter writer didn't bid atheists to go jump off the edge of the earth.

50. Lightning damages Jesus statue

Comment #44426 by Satanburiedfossils on May 24, 2007 at 4:51 pm

Churches in Germany shunned [Benjamin] Franklin's new invention [the lightning rod] for three decades, during which time some 400 church towers were damaged by lightning and 120 bell ringers killed. In one church a bolt of lightning struck the tower and melted the bell, electrocuted the priest, deprived a parishioner of her sensibilities and destroyed a painting of the Savior. Church towers, being the highest structures in a village, are commonly struck by lightning, while brothels and saloons next door escape untouched.
-- William Deitz, Creation/Evolution Satiricon

As late as 1770 many religious Americans still felt that, since thunder and lightning were tokens of the divine displeasure, it was impiety to prevent their doing their full work. It took a few decades for the devout to abandon their religious prejudices regarding the use of the lightning rod, but eventually it was demonstrated to all but the most dense that both the "vengeance of God" and the "Prince of the Power of the Air" were forced to retreat before the lightning-rod of a heretic.
-- A. D. White, A History of the Warfare of Science with Theology & E.T.B.

http://www.edwardtbabinski.us/skepticism/franklin.html