51. Richard Dawkins slaps creationists into the primordial soup

Comment #214417 by TIKI AL on July 20, 2008 at 12:31 pm

Here in Arizona I use the Jeff Foxworthy meathod to teach the "low information voters" (aka "trailer trash") that there was and is no intelligent designer.

Example A: If yer bunny eats its own do-do, and yer cow is constantly farting ....thair just might not be an intellyjunt deezinar.

Example B: If that male pig you roasted at the Falwell memorial dinner had teats ....thair just might not be an intellyjunt deezinar.

52. Texas State Board of Education approves Bible course for high schools

Comment #213581 by TIKI AL on July 18, 2008 at 3:42 pm

Can't wait for the first 14th amendment lawsuit to render the schoolboard unemployed and bankrupt the town when it is discovered that there is no "Children's Book of Kwanzaa" study class.

53. Texas State Board of Education approves Bible course for high schools

Comment #213567 by TIKI AL on July 18, 2008 at 3:12 pm

"This is just a ticking time bomb. I need a paper bag to breathe into.." (#17,twp)

...speaking of time bombs, breathing into a paper bag after drinking vodka can be very illuminating.

54. Texas State Board of Education approves Bible course for high schools

Comment #213550 by TIKI AL on July 18, 2008 at 2:44 pm

Will there be comparisons to other factually accurate books such as "Pinnochio" and "Jack and the Bean Stalk"?

55. Texas State Board of Education approves Bible course for high schools

Comment #213530 by TIKI AL on July 18, 2008 at 2:28 pm

OK, but the classes must be taught by an impartial teacher who registers at least a 6.9-infinity on the Dawkins scale.

56. Calling World Conference on Dialogue a Symbol of Unity Among Different Traditions

Comment #213444 by TIKI AL on July 18, 2008 at 1:06 pm

First uniting order of business is the vote to round up all the atheists and place them in religious camps until they can also see the fear, superstitions, and darkness.

57. Bush Bureaucrats at Dept. of Health and Human Services Redefine Contraception as Abortion

Comment #213408 by TIKI AL on July 18, 2008 at 12:33 pm

In an effort to get the Arizona 2-time bush voting godbots to accept and promote solar power, we are telling them that massive amounts of solar panels will put a fatal strain on the sun and bring on the rapture.

A free ascension robe is included with every purchase.

58. Fury at funeral songs ban

Comment #211949 by TIKI AL on July 16, 2008 at 12:15 pm

Yes Paula, threats and intimidation can do wonders to make people conform.

Al Capone and Frank Nitty would have been proud of the minister.

59. The Return of Religion

Comment #211913 by TIKI AL on July 16, 2008 at 11:46 am

While carefully Scrutonizing the article, I started singing, "It's a delusional day in Roger's neighborhood, a delusional day in Roger's neighborhood." (it just came came over me, you know, like when a godbot breaks into tongues)

And no, Roger, I don't want to be your neighbor.

60. MnIndy interview: Unrepentant science-heathen PZ Myers still intends to prove 'this cracker is nothing'

Comment #211575 by TIKI AL on July 16, 2008 at 7:19 am

This cracker controversy makes "how to get out of Iraq" look like a piece of cake.

Wrap the cracker in a pair of magic undies and power-slam it between a bible and a koran during a lightning storm.

61. Fury at funeral songs ban

Comment #211537 by TIKI AL on July 16, 2008 at 5:54 am

"You can enjoy it without believing in it." (brainsys #48)

You have inspired me to peruse the Creation Museum of Delusion and stuff some sofa change in the mechanical bucking T-Rex.

62. Fury at funeral songs ban

Comment #211526 by TIKI AL on July 16, 2008 at 5:32 am

Jamie: When the vicar starts with the "religious aspects" of the funeral, it helps if you silently sing "la la la, la la la" at the top of your brain.

63. Fury at funeral songs ban

Comment #211354 by TIKI AL on July 15, 2008 at 9:46 pm

In the absense of the inquisition the Catholic Church has to get creative to show who is still in charge and all powerful.

We played Les Elgart music at my Mother's funeral.
My sister and I were in charge, so no delusional clergy were allowed in.

64. Lourdes fears priestly scandal will make profits dry up

Comment #210135 by TIKI AL on July 14, 2008 at 1:41 am

If it were not for that little b.s.ing peasant girl we wouldn't have that "down by Lourdes" song by the fabulous Rod Stewart.

OK, so I bought the song, but I'm drawing the line on the water purchase.

65. Host Desecration is Old Anti-Semitic Nonsense

Comment #210125 by TIKI AL on July 14, 2008 at 1:18 am

New church for a Christain ontopofmanure. ($$$)

1. Submerge a foreskin in an alchohol filled Ball canning jar.
2. Place on an altar in a repoed church.
3. Hang sign: "The Church of the Holy Jesus Foreskin".
4. Open doors Sunday morning.
5. Open offshore bank accounts on Monday.
6. Sell your wine and cracker stock on Tuesday.

66. Man Sues Church Over 'God Injury'

Comment #210112 by TIKI AL on July 14, 2008 at 12:43 am

A conman sueing a group of conmen? Kinky!

Since the floor(hell's ceiling) did the damage, wouldn't the devil be responsible?

67. Church Cancels Teen Gun Giveaway

Comment #210108 by TIKI AL on July 14, 2008 at 12:17 am

I'm surprised they didn't riot when the "Icon Gun" was a no-show.

It "is said" that the stock was carved from the cross of Christ.

Picture hordes of crazed dedicated godbot bushies going door to door with a hit list of everyone who has ever posted on atheist sites.

Got gun?

68. Ants, terrorism, and the awesome power of memes

Comment #210096 by TIKI AL on July 13, 2008 at 11:33 pm

"Wonder what it was?" (Auld #12.)

While lecturing, I could see in Dan's eyes that he has tied up all loose ends in string theory.

69. A trip to the Creation Museum

Comment #209781 by TIKI AL on July 13, 2008 at 10:21 am

One of the exhibits under construction is "Two Time Bush Voter Island".

Ape-like creatures blissfully unaware of the bigger world around them jumping from tree to tree using voting levers as clubs ala "2001 S.O."

70. Pope confirms sexual abuse apology

Comment #209747 by TIKI AL on July 13, 2008 at 6:56 am

Too late for remorceful transition,
we've all heard this empty rendition.
This x nazi youth, with dogma uncouth,
still longs for the old inquisition.

71. Thousands Flock to Revival in Search of Miracles

Comment #209698 by TIKI AL on July 13, 2008 at 3:29 am

I thought the poor little boy with the gnarled hands was cute when he asked:

"rev" Bentley, will I be able to play the guitar after you heal me?

"Yes, my son."

Funny, I never could before.

72. Pope confirms sexual abuse apology

Comment #209675 by TIKI AL on July 13, 2008 at 1:41 am

If god is so powerful why did he not smite the offenders pre bugger and save the church some money?

73. Pope confirms sexual abuse apology

Comment #209650 by TIKI AL on July 12, 2008 at 11:52 pm

I wonder if Father Guido Sarducci will be manning the "Finda da Popes ina da Pizza" booth?

74. Conversation between Richard Dawkins and John Lennox

Comment #206164 by TIKI AL on July 8, 2008 at 6:32 am

If miracles don't exist, how did Bush become president two times?

75. Degrees of religion

Comment #206126 by TIKI AL on July 8, 2008 at 6:02 am

Should a masochist follow the golden rule?

76. Churches' secret talks to stop gay surge

Comment #205750 by TIKI AL on July 7, 2008 at 6:56 pm

Thanks to the evangelicals extensive research we know that Katrina was sent by god to punish New Orleans gays for having outrageous parades and too much "fun" in general.

I await their results for the cause of the 500 year flood in the 'mercan midwest.

Too many gay Iowa farmers?
Strait farmers milking cows while thinking about Dolly Parton?
Iowa voting for Obama who is pro choice?
Erotic use of corncobs?

Why Lord? Why have you forsoaken us?

77. Teaching Evolution in Mexico: Preaching to the Choir

Comment #205715 by TIKI AL on July 7, 2008 at 5:50 pm

Don't knock a Mormon orgy unless you've tried one.

At 6 wives each they can get pretty kinky.
Just make sure they pay for the food and near-beer.

"10 commandment" condoms are always a big hit.

78. Teaching Evolution in Mexico: Preaching to the Choir

Comment #205672 by TIKI AL on July 7, 2008 at 4:04 pm

The "double glazers" see the "NO SALES PLEASE!!" sign and don't ring the bell.

When I asked the Mormons if they saw the sign, they informed me that it didn't apply to religion.

That's when I said "And I suppose you think that the earth is only 6,000 years old, too!"

As I listened to them drive down the block with the melodious strains of "The Flight of the Bumblebee" eminating from their bicycle spokes, I heard one of them proclaim "He's the devil! He's the devil!".

79. Teaching Evolution in Mexico: Preaching to the Choir

Comment #205661 by TIKI AL on July 7, 2008 at 3:40 pm

Perhaps the 3 Mormon tykes in my driveway had 18 wives between them besides thinking the earth is a youngster. Who knows which group they belong to.

When they left they were puzzled by several bible contradictions I threw out out there, but what really blew there young minds was when I positioned numerous cards and clothespins in their bicycle spokes to play "The Flight of the Bumblebee".

80. Teaching Evolution in Mexico: Preaching to the Choir

Comment #205512 by TIKI AL on July 7, 2008 at 11:55 am

Last month a Mormon pack of 3 well dressed and very polite teenage boys on bikes rang the bell and offered to do a good deed for me here in Tempe, Arizona.

I asked them some fundamental questions and they informed me that the earth was indeed 6,000 years old, so I asked them if they would bike to the grand canyon and count the layers for me in an effort to clear this "mystery" up.

81. The Boundaries of Belief

Comment #205125 by TIKI AL on July 6, 2008 at 4:09 pm

If you interview 35,000 Joe Blows off the street, more than five percent of them will try to knock you down and steal your wallet.

85% of that 5% were raised in Christain homes.

82. Prayer refusal pupils 'disciplined'

Comment #205114 by TIKI AL on July 6, 2008 at 3:23 pm

mordacious1: Please wear a mask when you paint your jeep. There is a danger of getting extremely high and "talking to god".

Bush got the Iraq invasion orders while spraying waterproofing on his shoes.

83. The Boundaries of Belief

Comment #205087 by TIKI AL on July 6, 2008 at 2:19 pm

Was THIS question on the "survey"?

"How long have you attended church and PRETENDED to believe in "God" and the Bible in order to gain access to a social network that would help your business, gain and keep employment or get you elected to public office?"

84. Prayer refusal pupils 'disciplined'

Comment #204673 by TIKI AL on July 5, 2008 at 1:33 pm

Too bad young Catholic students didn't question the priest's "pull down your pants and bend over for prayer" directive.

85. When too much Rapture is barely enough

Comment #204668 by TIKI AL on July 5, 2008 at 1:20 pm

"Also, where does everyone get the white robes from? Do you buy them or does jesus provide them?" (Apathy personified)

I have read many stories about con-godbots setting rapture dates and selling ascension robes with the date embroidered on them.

When the day passes and nothing happens, they set another date and whip up some new robes.

godbot on godbot crime.

86. When too much Rapture is barely enough

Comment #204657 by TIKI AL on July 5, 2008 at 12:57 pm

thewhitepearl, If my grandfather told me that, I would have gone to "Looney Tunes" for tongues content. Would "a ba dee, a ba dee, a ba dee, that's all folks!" on a loop have satisfied him?

the great teapot, To die while sleeping? Ya-UMM! Like I ever get what I want.

87. When too much Rapture is barely enough

Comment #204644 by TIKI AL on July 5, 2008 at 12:34 pm

thewhitepearl: You have definately "out-child abused" me. I'm glad you "gaht betta".

If you ever start involuntarily speaking in toungues again, a frosty metal railing will cure it.

88. When too much Rapture is barely enough

Comment #204636 by TIKI AL on July 5, 2008 at 12:14 pm

"I used to be terrifed of the concept of the rapture." (thewhitepearl)

When I was three I was saying THIS gem before beddy bye:

"Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take."

When I turned five I called "bullshit" and gave my Mother a lecture on child abuse.

89. When too much Rapture is barely enough

Comment #204615 by TIKI AL on July 5, 2008 at 11:22 am

If the rapture was really coming, Walmart would be selling ascension robes like hotcakes.

90. Group Asks for Divine Intervention to Ease Oil Prices

Comment #204153 by TIKI AL on July 4, 2008 at 8:40 am

When the sacred separation of pump and prayer is violated the end times are near.

Would'nt rain dancers be more suited for this?

91. New Zealand man sells his soul to 'Hell'

Comment #203821 by TIKI AL on July 3, 2008 at 5:52 pm

George Bush sold his soul during that brief period when the 2000 TV election returns coverage flashed Gore as the winner.

Can we sue the devil for the past 7.5 years?

92. Obama Wants to Expand Role of Religious Groups

Comment #203815 by TIKI AL on July 3, 2008 at 5:15 pm

OK, so republicans are corporate whores, and democrats are only corporate lap dancers.

But I do think if you hold your nose and vote for Obama we just might get a couple of actual human beings on the supreme court.

Under the Obama faith plan we could open a soup kitchen where you have to walk down a long hall filled with evolution exhibits to get to the chicken noodle.

Statues of Darwin, Dawkins, and George Carlin could "grace" the entrance.

93. We Urgently Need Your Help Now!!

Comment #195747 by TIKI AL on June 18, 2008 at 6:27 pm

I wonder if governor Bobby agrees with the Chuck Norris quote, "If I were president I would tatoo an American flag with "In God We Trust" on the forehead of every atheist."

Between Bush, Cheney, Jindal, and Norris, I feel like the US is turning into monkey island.

And then there was all of the "Tim Russert is in heaven" mumbo jumbo I had to listen to watching his wake today.

94. Saving Us from Darwin

Comment #195476 by TIKI AL on June 18, 2008 at 9:46 am

"One wonders what kind of a hospice he works in and, assuming it is not a specifically Christian one, whether he uses the opportunity to proselytise to the patients there." (epeeist)

Great point. A twelve step death program for a captive audience. No Jesus ...no heaven and NO HOT CHOCOLATE!

Actually a small step from the "no Jesus ...no soup or sobriety" programs that have been around forever.

Think anyone puts him in their will for showing them "the way"?

95. Saving Us from Darwin

Comment #194956 by TIKI AL on June 17, 2008 at 1:00 pm

May I respectfully submit "clearmind" for the much coveted "Ultimate Oxymoronic Bloghandle" trophy?

96. Saving Us from Darwin

Comment #194412 by TIKI AL on June 16, 2008 at 6:17 pm

ketch 22: "My journey is a joke to you?"

A real side splitter to the point that if this were a GOP blog I would suspect you might be a site traffic increaser.

If you were on a real "journey" you would actually listen to and at least consider some of the excellent points made in earnest here.

Comparing your journey to a trip from San Fran to New York, you ran out of gas on the Golden Gate. (an excellent place to hone flying skills)

97. Saving Us from Darwin

Comment #193964 by TIKI AL on June 16, 2008 at 8:49 am

Wow! Too bad ketch22 didn't post that whopper #86 first. Would have saved some time and effort, no?

It reminded me of a lady who called me about a couch I was selling, and after asking 30 questions about it said, "You don't have a cat, do you? I'm deathly allergic to them."

We had a cat.

98. Saving Us from Darwin

Comment #193514 by TIKI AL on June 15, 2008 at 6:31 pm

ketch22: "Since the only thing we truly know is our own experience, yes, I trust it completely".

...so that day in christain camp when the older kids put acid in your oatmeal, the clubhouse really DID levitate?

99. Louisiana's latest creationism bill moves to House floor

Comment #193108 by TIKI AL on June 14, 2008 at 3:49 pm

Please God, send better barrel ducks.

...Well done, all!

100. Louisiana's latest creationism bill moves to House floor

Comment #188256 by TIKI AL on June 3, 2008 at 1:38 pm

At long last the only real truth can be taught!

One designer could never have created all of this bounty. There are two, Twit and Twat, and they move from one human host to another to monitor and fine tune their masterpiece.

They currently reside in Pamela Anderson's natural breasts.

That should give the would be "Deliverence" cast members something to nibble on.