251. James Cameron finds grave of Jesus & Son

Comment #23123 by maton100 on February 26, 2007 at 1:05 pm

http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=54131

Read tthis! A physics fool of Kentucky's finest has developed a paper on particles flying out of the sun's ass after God spoke. Apparently God's sound vibrations caused the big bang, you see.

252. Intelligent design is a science, not a faith

Comment #17527 by maton100 on January 14, 2007 at 1:59 pm

A close friend of mine once claimed that a vision was revealed to him of a man resembling the assistant manager of Dollar General on the 80th block of East Colonial Drive in Orlando Florida. When I abruptly asked him for a more conclusive and detailed description of the vision, he could only relay the vague personification of an employee working for this particular corporation who had a habit of scanning all checkout items from atop a seven-foot ladder. Ironically enough, my friend's main source of restroom amenities and laundry detergent could all be traced back to this store location and his brief encounter with the described wageworker.
Subsequent analyses revealed associations with the need to personify all unsubstantiated phenomena as having anthropomorphic characteristics akin to the Dollar General "mystery professional"—regardless of any previous visits to Shoe Carnival, Family Dollar or Wal-Mart.
Now, it is true that human beings are notoriously voyeuristic and enjoy watching others "vicariously" in attempts to collect homogenous idiosyncrasies which illuminate our own needs for individual identity reassurance. Nonetheless, the perpetual misuse of cognitive simulation inexorably reduced the wonderment of the universe to a man who wouldn't accept credit cards for purchases less than five dollars. This breathtakingly erroneous tendency to traduce all material properties and events to the assistant manager led to an intellectual breakdown and an act of consumer treason as my friend began frequenting AutoZone for all household purchases (you can imagine what might happen when one uses Armor All as a substitute for dishwashing liquid and automotive chamois cloth for wiping one's ass).
In an attempt to elucidate the importance of logic and reason, I challenged my friend to return to Dollar General without making the mistake of lending unsubstantiated significance to the life and times of their hired assistant. With continued efforts of applied cognitive-behavior therapy and neurological reconditioning, my dear friend was able to wean himself from the reliance of his hallucinatory manifestations and soon understood the magnificence of the cosmos in terms of various discount appliances, napkins and pixie straws without the desire for humanlike transference. The sheer magnitude of variety perplexed his reasoning and prematurely contributed to Dollar General's isolationist principles not aligned with anything remotely like utilitarian economics.
Soon thereafter an unfortunate relapse occurred which was augmented by auditory delusions of an invisible executive employee who malevolently fired the assistant manager due to inadequate stocking of pre-manufactured firewood.
In retrospect, I suppose it wasn't the desire for "assistant manager personification" that bothered me. Rather, it was the various attributes assigned to the individual during my friend's visions and the ghostly clerk's illusionary, all-encompassing ubiquity. Four months later the employee was never seen again and porcelain cups regained their original retail value. Irreducible complexity could never be established.

253. Lunging, Flailing, Mispunching

Comment #17253 by maton100 on January 12, 2007 at 10:10 am

Sure Dawkins may not be an academic advisor for political history and ancient theology, but why obscure the real issue? We need a more Gestalt attitude toward 21st century philosophical ethics and logic without antiquated ghosts haunting our sensibilites.

"Once you have given up the ghost, all else follows with dead certainty...even in the midst of chaos." --Henry Miller

254. Lunging, Flailing, Mispunching

Comment #17191 by maton100 on January 11, 2007 at 3:30 pm

Around the time of Gram Parson's Grievous Angel, a guy named Brandon Carter postulated an ideology entitled "the anthropic principle." This theory basically states that although the earth may not be the center of the universe, it is certainly one of the most convenient places for life to exist (due in part to twenty-four hour grocery stores). To further explicate the fundamental "luckiness" of the survival of carbon-based elements, a theoretical probability equation was implemented to illustrate a methodological framework. Incidentally, various metaphysical theologians soon believed that the origin of all cosmological phenomena and interplanetary mediums must have been fond of Arturo Fuente cigars while resembling Hans Langseth. This overly eager misconception led to the disappearance of Brandon Carter for over a decade and his decidedly triumphant return as the cleverly disguised Carter Beauford of The Dave Mathews Band (after all, he figured, if there was cosmic justice you'd see Doris Stokes collecting unemployment and less astrology books being sold at yard sales). Through the gentle persuasion of colleagues and a year supply of charcoal, Carter was able to resume work on his original theory in attempts to embellish contemporary constructions by leading cosmologists concerning strings, M's, the multi-verse, free-verse and cadence-verse as it applies to the poetry of Terry Eagleton. It wasn't long thereafter that Nobel Laureates became aware of the idea that our universe may not be alone in its universality. In other words, there may exist even greater civilizations and greater structures than the Dallas Cowboy's new stadium. No longer does the anthropic bias continue to display fine-tuning and the idea of Tony Dorsett debating Nick Bostrom in another galaxy now seems quite plausible…
Unfortunately, the topic of infinite regress eventually turned to the mating habits of the Madagascar cockroach. But why the existence of something rather than nothing? Why do roaches eat their own feces and cannibalize their young? Why do roaches, after eating their own feces and cannibalizing their young, go copulate in nests after they spread dysentery? Why do roaches spread their feces to leave pheromones to attract other roaches that eat the feces and then want to copulate vigorously again and again and again? Why will roaches outlive the human species and do so by hanging out in a floor drain long after we have commenced to secure our own extinction in this precarious ecosphere of biological vicissitudes. Surely this implies a grand designer; or at least an ontologically perfect and large roach that eschews space and time. The transcendence and invisibility of this roach is part of what it is. The roach is neither in the universe nor outside the universe. It is simply the causa sui of possibility—the possibility of all roach potential. Needless to say, this valid and luminously articulate argument plagued the department of physics at The University of Texas for several years and led to numerous counterargument films depicting the omnipotent vileness of roaches—even if their entomological nature exuded love and freedom. Many Kafkaesque book clubs began forming and heated discussions arose concerning why it may be better to leave roaches alone than to interfere with their dictatorial destiny in the cosmos. Some theoretical astrophysicists firmly believe that the decision to keep eight instead of nine planets has something to do with our denial of roach life elsewhere. Perhaps Pluto? And why not? Pluto certainly provides an accommodating atmosphere for roaches. Ice has never deterred some serious roach propagation. Besides that, according to future computer predictions, once the earth is gone Pluto's temperature will shift upwards and resemble that of downtown Tampa.