I live in constant fear and intellectual suffocation in the deeply religious city of Karachi, Pakistan. Even the most liberal parts of society here have zero tolerance for the concept of atheism. Being an Islamic state, there’s a certain extra level of arrogance and certainty in their faith being the one and only true faith in the world. Never mind the fact that the history of Islam is ripe with examples of deceit, unjust war, torture of fellow muslims, and all kinds of atrocities.

I like to divide religious people into two categories, the dormant and the active. The dormant are those that practice the festive version of the religion. Meaning, that they are muslim because they were born to muslim parents but they don’t really follow the religion by the book. At best, they are festive on religious holidays. Then there are those that are “active” muslims, those that have found inspiration to be born again muslims or have been brainwashed since early childhood into serving the cause.

I feel the first type are just intellectually lazy and even though they are less dangerous, you can get their “active” side triggered just by asking a few simple questions to bring the inherently ugly beliefs of the religion to the forefront.

I used to be a dormant muslim until the age of 22. I grew up very much like an average American kid, having similar hobbies, watching the same cartoons, buying the same toys, and having similar ambitions. However, round about that time, I was going through some very difficult times with my friends and family which left me seeking deeper meaning and a sense of belonging. Betrayal causes you to look at the world a little differently and when nothing made sense to me, I thought, perhaps this world is just a “test” and that religion must be the answer. I started my study of the history of religion with an unbiased view or attachment to Islam. Bear with me as I explain how I found the narrative of Islam to be the most “sensible” of all the religions. This narrative has to do with what Islam claims in terms of the concept of “Tawhid” or the Oneness of God. Unlike other religions, Islam claims that humanity has always believed in One God and that as civilizations developed, people went astray and started to attribute things to other Gods. Time and time again, God sent prophets to remind humanity about the original message of Tawhid, ending with the Prophet Muhammad and the culmination of the Quran. This is diametrically opposed to the other world view, prominently held by the atheist community or in fact, followers of other religions as well; that humanity has always believed in many Gods and is slowly coming down to the absolute truth of believing in none.

When asked for proof of the belief of Oneness of God being the original belief of man, Islam claims there can be no physical proof since there were no statues or images ever made of the one true God and hence you will fail to find any “fossils” or archaeological treasures that can ascertain this POV.
In any case, I bought into it, and without really understanding the depths of religion, I decided to give it 100%, even following things that didn’t seem to make any logical sense to me, all for the sake of pleasing “Allah”. This includes giving up music, something that I was very fond of and good at, giving up figure drawing, again, something I excelled at but since it’s thought to be unIslamic, I gave that up. I made some very important decisions in my life, which in retrospect, I would have never made had I not been intoxicated with the “virtues” of Islam. It was as if I had jumped from one mental condition of anxiety and depression to another of religious psychosis of some sort. I ended up “converting” many others in my family and friends, and even got married to a born again “Muslim” girl whom I had met in university and manage to sway with my newfound wisdom of Islam.

The sad part is that I did all of this not as a child who was brainwashed into believing everything about Islam, rather through an earnest attempt to find meaning in life and finding no better explanation than those offered by major world religions. I knew many aspects of the religion and the stories that surround it did not make sense to me, in fact, many were as repulsive as they are now but still, I chose to become a believer. As a consequence, I lost many opportunities to pursue my passion and locked myself in a marriage with someone deeply religious.

Over the last 10 years, I have been unlearning everything that I had come to accept as the absolute truth. It hasn’t been easy, as it never is, but I feel now I am at a stage where I can no longer tolerate any of the religious mumbo jumbo and in fact, I am ashamed and repulsed by my own behavior under the influence of religion.

On becoming an atheist I reignited my passion for music and art, which put me in an even more awkward position within the community as someone who had found and then lost religion. While these things may seem petty, the psychological and societal pressure one feels when losing their religion in a deeply religious surrounding is no joke. As I paced ahead to catch up on everything that I had lost as a devout muslim, I launched a music tech startup, combining my passion for music and experience in the tech industry. As my startup gained momentum, it also ostracized me from my loved ones and garnered the pity and prayers of my religious friends and family. Many even stopped talking to me or looked at me with disgrace. I started keeping to myself, isolating myself from those who knew me as the devout muslim man who was inspiring others to follow the path of God. I increased the pace and volume of my study of science, history, anthropology, logic and all the good stuff. However, I’ve had no one to talk to, not even my own wife who seems to have lost all the respect for me due to my beliefs.

I feel suffocated, intellectually starved, and scared for my life as I continue to live among the religious. I have in fact received death threats from former friends for now serving the devil instead of God with my music startup. The loss of connection with my wife and immediate family over losing my religion is also something that has left a big empty void inside of me.

The worst part is, all of this is self-inflicted. How could I be so stupid? I can’t even relate to the person I had become under the influence of religion. I have tried many times to leave this country and migrate to a more secular environment where I can at least breathe freely as a nonbeliever but unfortunately, visas are not easy to get for someone who was born in Pakistan and has “Islam” as his religion on the passport!

While I feel liberated, having broken the chains and removed the horse blinders of religion, I also feel trapped with no way out and no option to live life on my own terms or even express my beliefs. I am an extremely passionate man when it comes to these things, but unfortunately, I don’t even have a single friend in which I can confide in this country. Hopefully, someday I will be able to escape this place and these people but for now I lurk in the shadows.

Thank you for doing what you do. I wish I could work for your organization and help liberate more minds from the shackles of religion.

Best regards,
– RWORK